The Little Things

 Bikes, E-commerce, Swine  Comments Off on The Little Things
Jan 262012
 

Sometimes I think that, if I could have three wishes, the first would be for someone to finally drive a stake through the heart of the fashion industry’s fleeting love of bikes, and the second and third would both be for the first to come true, just in case. The image of the $5,000 Bianchi hipster-mobile above comes to us courtesy of a site called “The Pursuitist,” who’s mission is apparently to, “Find and share the good things in life.” Inevitably this seems to consist almost entirely of increasingly elaborate devices designed to take what little soul you might’ve been born with and painfully extract it from your person. According to the article:

Biking is a luxury, and now it has a price tag to go along with it too. Gucci has launched two exclusive Bianchi by Gucci bicycles designed by the brand’s Creative Director, Frida Giannini.

Giannini told us, “The Bianchi by Gucci bicycles perfectly carry forward our codes of luxury while creating a new cosmopolitan aesthetic for those looking to turn heads while on the go”.

However, the Bianchi by Gucci bikes are only available for purchase in London from Gucci’s store at 18 Sloane Street. The white, hydro-formed steel single speed bike (above) costs $5,000 while the black carbon fiber monocoque model (below) is priced at $14,000.”

Yes, as anyone in China can tell you, biking is, indeed, a luxury. I just quoted that in its entirety because I honestly couldn’t bring myself to read through it one more time to pick out only the quotable parts. And no, I don’t have the spiritual fortitude to show you the carbon fiber one, if you haven’t already seen it. I can’t claim to understand what strange force has trapped certain Italian bike companies in the ’80s, but could someone please tell Colnago and Bianchi that most of the pastel-suitjacket-wearing coke addicts who used to represent a market for high-fashion, co-branded bicycle abominations are now either dead or riding Specialized Venges? And everyone knows kids ride Cinellis. Yes, the 21st Century is proving confusing to some companies. Today, managing to have a bike featured on a site next to artisanal mable syrum and $800 amplification horns for iPhones is arguably the most ironic sign of “status” possible.

Still, you have to love how ruthlessly practical bicycles manage to remain, despite the pressure to turn them into luxury items and fashion accessories, probably because you almost always have to actually ride a bike in order to show it off to everyone, and that’s a pretty high barrier of entry for the frail and soul-less.

Besides, everybody knows it’s the #littlethings that really matter. Word in business news today is that McDonald’s is attempting to rebound from their ill-fated #McDStories Twitter social media bloodbath with a fresh hashtag, “#littlethings,” which, hopefully, will be a few more degrees separated from worms in fish sandwiches and “dying inside.” Clearly, some–I’ll go ahead and assume frantic–discussion occurred at Clown Food Central over the past 48-hours, and it was determined that anything even vaguely close to the discussion of actual food products was the real liability in this campaign, and that a new hashtag was needed that was much more difficult to relate back even to their company, let alone the “food.” Hence, “#littlethings.” Brilliant.

Here I’d like to official introduce a new term into the lexicon of social media marketing: to “rainblow.” It means to shield your otherwise disgusting brand, service, or product behind some form of generally recognized piece of undeniable goodness. I believe this is actually one the marketing industry stole from Congress, the original masters of rainblowing our minds by authoring bills with names like the “Children’s Health Act” that actually allows companies to dispose of green, glowing toxic waste by pouring it directly into the mouths of anyone with a household income less than $250,000 a year.

The beauty of the new McDonald’s hashtag is how it boldly says, “Think of the special shit that really matters to you. OK, got it? Now give it to us.” That’s some bold social marketing, right there. It says, “We don’t stand for the shit we expect you to eat. We stand for whatever you think is good . . . whatever matters to you dumbass morons, just think ‘McDonald’s!’ when you picture that.”

Speaking of social networking and the Internets, I haven’t forgotten the official wrap up of my e-commerce how-to segment. All put together, the actual ad is going to look like this:

  • Frame Material: Steel
  • Head Tube Type: Standard 1-1/8″
  • Fork Steerer Tube Diameter: 1-1/8″
  • Seatpost Diameter: 27.2mm
  • Rear Dropout Spacing: 135mm
  • Rear Dropout Type: Standard Geared
  • Maximum Tire Size: 26×2.3-inches
  • Wheel Size: 26-inches
  • Front Dropout Spacing: 100mm
  • Water Bottle Bosses: 1 set, top of downtube
  • Color: Green
  • Size: 18-inch (both captain and stoker)
Here’s your chance to pretend to own a truly exclusive bike. This is the only tandem bicycle hearse in the UK. The Reverend Paul Sinclair of Motorcycle Funerals had this unique bike fabricated for addition to his unique line up of funereal vehicles. Unfortunately, Reverend Sinclair does not feel he’s sufficiently fit to operate the hearse, so he’s making it available in the hope that it will one day find a good home. Own a genuine piece of British history that just also happens to be able to transport dead bodies. Should also be able to transport at least two kegs, 4-8 surfboards, children, furniture, and another bike.

Learn more about the bike on the Daily Mail’s site.

$3,522.37

Next, I’ll be walking everyone through the exact little bit of code necessary to create that product listing, and then we’ll be able to start testing that buy button. Before then, I either need to make a tandem hearse to sell, or find something else I need to get rid of. Preferably something smaller than a tandem hearse or a Big Dummy, and easier to fit into a box and ship. #littlethings

The Social Graft

 Bikes, E-commerce  Comments Off on The Social Graft
Jan 122012
 

Andy Warhol prophetically said, “Everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes,” which tends to increasingly sum up what passes for life here in the 21st Century, but he also said,

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.”

Maybe a little more prophetic. Imagine how many artists there are on the Internet right now, how many pieces of art we step over in the street or delete from our inboxes. Imagine the scale of some of these works. From credit default swaps to the Kardashians, “Hoarders” to Silicon Valley, we’re crawling with art–though I’m pretty sure today we call it “content.” As the walls close in we become increasingly connected to everything around us, social networks seem like the new Model-T assembly lines of a different kind of industrial revolution. Now we’re all content providers. Now we’re all artists.

Might as well sell that shit.

I’ve been writing about e-commerce and what I see as the increasingly low barrier of entry for businesses not yet selling products on the Internet. For any small business that still feels the task is too daunting, I’d recommend redefining your idea of “e-commerce.” Given all the white noise around us each day, forget “launching an e-commerce storefront” and begin by asking yourself what about your brand has value to people.

You can offer products to people later, but if you’re not already busy selling your own brand to the world, it’s time to start. The popularity of business books claiming to offer the secrets of “delivering great customer service experiences” suggests how you run your business, not what you sell, is what really matters. Products can be added later, but you can be marketing your store to everyone right now.

I think this is what burned me about that letter Specialized’s founder, Mike Sinyard sent to his dealers recently. For all the lip service brands like Specialized pay their dealers about the value of customer service and achieving a great customer experience, it’s completely counter their business strategy for you, Mr. Independent Retailer, to market your own brand above all else.

Some things to think about:

  1. Do you consider a bike company’s “concept store” to be competition? How about a concept store six states away from you?
  2. What defines you aside from the brands you sell? “Service” is a bullshit answer. What about your service is better than every other shop anywhere?
  3. Draw a circle around your market on the map. Now draw a circle around your demographic.
  4. What are the three best things about your store’s web site? Do you own them?

You are a brand. Joe’s Bike Shop is a brand. It has relationships with customers and with vendors, but if we steal the “social graph” concept from Facebook for a second, let’s look at how you’re connected to your life-blood: your customers. Do they shop with you only because of your location? Only because of the brands you offer? Or does something else drive your sales? Put another way, is it you that connects with your customers, or do you connect only by proxy, though something else, something you don’t control?

“Social graft” is a term I like to use to describe the ways big companies are increasingly making direct contact with their end users, bypassing their own traditional dealer networks. Specialized can sell tires directly to your customers now, while you’re still stuck waiting for somebody to walk in your door. That’s bullshit.

If I sound a little militant about this, I am. This is a critical time in a battle too few retailers seem to notice. See, I believe small businesses are the best thing about Capitalism, but, just as the Middle Class is being strangled out of existence in America, so too are independent businesses, stores that really do have something to offer the world, independent of the products they offer. The struggling independent bike dealer is the quintessential example of this.

The irony here is that it’s never been easier to sidestep the limitations of your physical location, and the Powers That Be, those brands that try to control your business. Forget all the marketing bullshit you’ve heard about social media and why it matters to your company. The real reason it matters is simply because direct connections matter. Social media isn’t just about your lead mechanic giving the world constant Twitter updates about his favorite breakfast cereals, or about sending out e-mails to announce sales. Sure, it can be about both of those things–if they offer value to people–but really it’s about understanding the new opportunity you have to speak directly to potential customers anywhere in the world. It’s time to define the value of your own brand and get it out there for people. There are plenty of other companies that want to get between you and your customers, but you have a nearly endless number of tools to keep that from happening.

Mr. Corporation’s Dope Tweets

 Bikes, Swine  Comments Off on Mr. Corporation’s Dope Tweets
Oct 122011
 

By now, if you don’t know a war has begun between all things cycling and ward of the state General Motors, it’s probably because you’ve been watching a guy on a mountain bike getting t-boned by an antelope over and over all day.

Basically, GM released this shitty ad targeting college students, claiming you’re a loser if you ride a bike.

BikePortland.org had what’s become the definitive reaction, and everyone else has weighed in with an opinion about how completely inexcusable it is, but what I found the strangest about all of this–and the least frequently mentioned–is that the whole concept behind the ad is way beyond just uninspired.

The ad itself is indicative of the kind of snarky, faux-hipster meanness that marks most corporations’ sorry attempts to reach consumers in the age of social media. “Look how edgy we are, kids,” it says. “Who just dropped the word ‘sucks’ in a print ad? We did, ’cause we be keeping in real.”

Yes. Oh look, GM isn’t afraid to make fun of people, even if they clearly suck at it. Aside from the fact that goofing on a guy for riding a bike to class is now akin to making fun of him because he doesn’t smoke, there’s still that cold fact that old corporations make tired jokes. Seriously, on most campuses in the real world circa 2011, the guy on the bike is laughing at the poor bastard trying to find a place to park his pickup truck. What’s next, GM? Maybe you could make fun of those hippies with their bell bottoms.

Thing is, I know we have to legally treat corporations as people now, but that doesn’t mean we have to like those people. And we don’t expect them to be our friends. In fact, we’d usually prefer it if they just stayed corporations. Sometimes, we’d rather just order the chicken for dinner without needing to know its name. Sometimes in the rush to “socialize” with us, big companies like GM seem to forget this.

Listen, GM, we’re not even back to the point were we can trust your cars not to drop an axle leaving the lot, burn a tank of gas a day, and kill us when their steering wheels fall off, so don’t let’s get all fancy trying to be “down” with us. Instead, tell you what: you make the fucking cars, and we’ll socialize and joke with one another. Speaking of which, here’s a good one that’s making the rounds right now: have you seen that dumbass GM ad? Let’s boycott that shit.