I’ve decided to start my own doomsday cult. I’ve thought about it, and I’m pretty sure this is my divine calling, though I have to admit, the money’s pretty good, too. High-profile doomsday-mongers, Family Radio took in $18M in donations in 2009, in addition to their $34 million in “stock and other securities,” and they couldn’t even get the end of the world right. I don’t know what that spells for you, for sounds like an untapped market to me.

Granted, I don’t like math, but math doesn’t seem to play much of a role in the calculations anyway, particularly when you’re starting from a rough estimate with a margin of error of 14,000 years. Besides, the end could be super close, so who has time for calculations that involve carrying numbers? Once my followers send me the first grand or so in donations, I plan to just ask Siri.

Don’t get me wrong: I wouldn’t head down this career path if I thought everything was going to turn out just dandy. Unlike those who focus on a close reading of the bible, world events, or signs of economic collapse in stock markets, I think the comping Apocalypse can be divined largely by looking at the shit people are buying.

First Horseman of the Apocalypse: Schwinn

In the “abomination in God’s eyes” category, somebody is selling this bike to his fellow man, and it’s going on all the time.

Notice the detailed description there at the bottom:

Aluminum dual suspension frame smoothes the ride. Suntour suspension fork eats bumps and increases control. Shimano EZFire shifters for fast gear modifications. SR Suntour alloy three piece cranks provide optimal on or offroad gearing. Promax front disc brake and rear alloy linear pull brake gives controlled stopping power. 24 Speeds with Shimano Altus rear derailleur for precise shifting. Double walled alloy rims are light and powerful. Color: Red. 26 Wheels. Some assembly needed. Adjustable seat height. Frame height: 18 .

Solid facts, no mystery left unexplored. If you were wondering how the bike modifies gears, the clear answer is “fast.” The gearing works on or offroad, and the rims are “powerful.” Seat height is even adjustable.

But also notice in the upper corner that eight of these have already been sold, and this, too, is a sign. “Woe to them! They have brought disaster upon themselves.” (Isaiah 3:9)

In the coming days and weeks (years?) more will be revealed about my predictions (while I figure out how to add a PayPal thing to accept donations). I just have to get those posts written before October 21st.