SXSWTF?

 Bikes, Gadgets  Comments Off on SXSWTF?
Mar 132012
 

The bicycle that shifts by reading your thoughts has surfaced again, this time at the South by Southwest “music, film and interactive conference” in Austin, Texas. I’ll admit to not fully understanding what the SXSW “conference” is, exactly, though it appears to be both a showcase for derivative hipster music and an excuse to write off travel expenses for tech nerds whose companies won’t cover travel to Burning Man. In keeping with the theme of information nobody gives a shit about then, I’d like to hereby announce that I no longer care how anybody controls his or her bicycle. Mind controlled bike done as a publicity stunt by Toyota to sell cars, battery operated suspension systems, four D-cells that pump water from a Camelbak directly into your mouth–whatever. I’m all for it.

Yes, it’s 2012 now, and I’ve decided there’s no place left for my usual neo-retro-grouch pose on this subject. Why be a critic? I like conferences. I like music you have to be drinking to enjoy and rooms filled with hotshit tech entrepreneurs who still live at home. Have a new web and iPhone app that lets me swap dryer lint with a person in Ohio? Nice work! Made a film that re-imagines Hitler’s death as the work of time-traveling Icelandic superstar, Bjork, who assassinates Nazis with sound before a grand finale battle scene with the ghost of Wagner? How creative! Do tell me more about your mash-up of dubstep, ’80s metal, and things Mike Patton would say out loud in a Whole Foods. Seriously, who says America’s best days are behind us? If this is what we make now, I’m all for it.

But let’s go all in.

If Toyota’s “embrace the green and figure out how to wedge an iPhone in there somewhere, too” hipster ad campaign helped pay even a small part of the development costs of a new Parlee frame design, then sure, add all the neuro crap you want, as long as we all get to see that new frame. Hell, I’d like to see corporate money going to lots of innovative small bicycle companies. We’re hip now, bicycle people. We can help sell Michelob Ultra. Work it.

Here are just a few of my dream announcements at this year’s SXSW conference:

  • PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi announces a “potential” new design project in collaboration with “genuine” frame builder Richard Sachs to develop a clear plastic bicycle frame that doubles as a habitat for endangered Beluga Sturgeon eggs, with built-in rear-wheel assist motor powered by “mass hatching.” Sachs, who does not attend the event, issues no comment, but a photo surfaces on Facebook depicting him emptying a can of Mountain Dew into a toilet.
  • Pabst Brewing Company owner C. Dean Metropoulos debuts a film and YouTube channel about the development of the company’s combination urban bicycle and home brewing system, featuring a bicycle frame crowdsource designed by “everybody in Minneapolis.”
  • In an attempt to build credibility in the U.S. market and citing “deeply waning interest in Jennifer Lopez,” car manufacturer Fiat announces a joint partnership with Nokia and bamboo bicycle guru Craig Calfee, to create “a stylish and modern take on the classic ‘Fred Flintstone’ human-powered vehicle.” Ashton Kucher is a rumored investor.
  • In a clear bid to return to his roots, Hollywood director Sam Raimi announces a documentary on the making of frame builder Erik Noren’s Evil Dead track bike, a bike that uses a chainsaw chain and is painted with genuine blood because Noren is, as Raimi announces at the movie premier, “Fucking awesome.”

     

  • Long-time sponser of events in which people are barely conscious of what snack foods they actually ingest, Doritos, announces a partnership with FedEx, Taco Bell and online retailer Competitive Cyclist. For a “very modest” additional charge, your Pinarello Dogma 2 with Super Record 11 EPS is now available shipped in its own impact-absorbing, environmentally friendly* and delicious Dorito-based taco shell. (*Legal disclaimer: some Dorito-based products have proven unable to decompose naturally under any circumstances, including human consumption.)

    • It’s a brave new world of corporate sponsored innovation, art and “interactivity” and I, for one, am ready.

Apocalypse Now: 650b is Coming

 Bikes  Comments Off on Apocalypse Now: 650b is Coming
Feb 082012
 

"We're gonna need some bigger wheels."

As is my tradition, I completely forgot about last Sunday’s Super Bowl, which means I didn’t get see any of the 3.5-million dollar ads, which means I ended up hearing about these unavoidable nuggets of American culture before actually witnessing any of them directly. This is a little like hearing about a new movie and imagining much scarier scenes and bigger explosions than even what today’s special effects can manage. Left as I was to my own imagination there for a while, it seemed these commercials painted a pretty grim picture of humanity circa 2012.

Based on what I heard, we had a commercial where everyone who doesn’t drive a Chevy is killed in an apocalypse, and then one where a Great Dane kills a cat, then blackmails a guy to stay quiet about it using Doritos. Apparently that one won a contest.

You’ve seen the commercials, probably, but imagine you haven’t. Imagine somebody just told you about them. Better still, imagine you’re explaining them to a kid.

Hilarious, right? Everybody’s dead! Goddamn Ford owners deserved what was coming to them, ha, ha! Get it? Fuck those fuckers! Ah [wiping away tears of laughter], good stuff.

If we take Super Bowl ads for what everyone assumes them to be, thirty second snapshots of the zeitgeist of American culture, I’m not entirely sure what this year’s batch is saying about us, but it does sound like hating each other might have quietly become a new American pastime. It’s certainly become our main source of entertainment. Maybe my pal, Harold Camping was right after all, and the world as we once knew it actually did end back in May. The new world just slipped right into place, though, the same way each next step appears under your foot, even when you’re walking in the dark, on your way to the basement. You can really only live in a world where Jesus Christ has become a homophobic, pro-business, defender of our right to bear firearms for so long, before you have to admit we’re angry people.

But it’s a kinder, gentler, and more socially conscious sort of “mean.”

In increasing number of people, for instance, are choosing to commute by bicycle when robbing banks. This isn’t any real surprise in Eugene, Oregon, where the perpetrator of “violent takeover-style robberies,” appears to keep escaping by bicycle, and where one imagines the Oregon Financial Institutions Security Taskforce, or “FIST,” is currently searching the area–also of course on bicycle–in search of the suspect. But Marietta, Georgia? I’ve lived in Marietta, and feel confident in saying that anyone choosing to escape crime scenes by bicycle there will be dead within the week anyway. Given the drivers in and around the entire Atlanta area, the only challenge the FBI will have is identifying the body.

We’re all turned into mean-spirited asshats, is all I’m saying–not that that’s a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong. I’m secretly hoping for a zombie apocalypse as much as the next guy (makes sense for all sorts of reasons, like better job opportunities once the herd’s been thinned a bit, getting to shoot pretty much everything, finding a sweet car, the whole “Twinkie” thing). But Chevy co-opting Death on a Biblical Scale for a commercial? That’s bold. That slips past “fascinated with the end times” and “sick of my fellow man” and trucks right on into something worse, that genuine longing for some room to stretch our legs and some nice, deep, post-apocalyptic peace and quiet.

Comparatively, I guess the dog killing cat thing is cute because it’s like the dog was a mobster or something, so it’s funny because it was just like a human killed the cat, and it’s always funny when animals act like people. Especially when they’re killing shit. Get it now? Logically, though, this one doesn’t pass the smell test. Why wouldn’t the dog just poison the Doritos to get rid of the only witness? That would make perfect sense, except that I’m pretty sure most poisons are already ingredients found in Doritos, so it’s complicated.

These commercials, like so much else right now, genuinely speak to the “it’s me or you” crowd, the same movement that’s bringing us TV shows about people preparing for the end of the world. Why the tension? Various ancient cultures apparently offer slightly different scenarios, but a constant theme is that 2012 will be the year Life As We Know It is changed completely. That could be subject to different interpretations by different people, but I’m pretty sure I know what the big change is going to be.

650b

That’s right, life as you know it may very well be about to change, and once again Carl Schlemowitz from Vicious Cycles may be proven to have been way, way ahead of the curve. Here are a few reasons Goldilocks wheels are here to stay this time around.

  • There Was Never a Good Reason for 26″ Wheels in the First Place – One of the most important things 29ers did was dispel the myth of the 26″ wheel, which might as well have been chosen arbitrarily. When it comes to the preeminence of 26″ wheels in the world of mountain bikes, once the flood gates of doubt opened up, it became pretty which wheel size couldn’t swim. The 29er could never replace a 26″ wheel, but a 27.5″ wheel just might. And probably should. Get over it Europe. The 26″ wheel is stupid for anyone over five feet tall. That’s 152.4 centimeters.
  • Nobody Wants to Look Stupid After Missing that 29er Thing – Once we hit that tipping point, adoption is going to happen with the quickness here. Not only did some companies look stupid for panning 29ers up until they finally caved in and released one (which then shot to the top of their sales charts and stayed there), but some companies made much more money by betting on the right horse. Money equals motion. Everybody wants to cover this next move, when it comes.
  • Forks and Rims Are Already Here – The real teeth-pulling with 29ers happened around the rim, tire and fork manufacturers, but for 650b, that part of the puzzle’s already in place. It’s also a manufacturing reality that you just have to make different sizes now. All this shit is being mass-produced in China anyway, so you really can’t bitch about your overwhelming productions costs to Americans who pay more for a cup of coffee than it costs to have a tire made in China. You’re making two sizes of tires and rims already. Might as well just make another one.
  • 650b Bikes Won’t Suck – By definition, they were designed to be the middle of the road, and, unless you’re a GOP candidate, that’s never a particularly dangerous place to be. Something like a 36″ tire will be pretty unlikely to be adopted by everyone, but a bike that rolls a bit better than a bike with 26″ wheels, but in all other ways feels about the same but has marketing buzz? That’s not a hard bike to sell. A 29er was a big difference, but the only people still riding 26″ wheels wouldn’t even know the difference if you put 27.5″ wheels on their bike.
  • The Industry Needs This – Not just because new trends have to constantly drive you to want a new bike, but due to some very concrete reasons, there is a very powerful lobby going on for the middle wheel size right now. This is led largely by companies with skin in the five to seven inch travel frame game. You just can’t get enough distance between stuff to have a “longer travel” 29er. Something’s got to give. A system is already in place at most manufacturers to make that something a 650b long-travel suspension frame.

Don’t panic. The reality is that 650b is–one way or another–coming. The best thing to do is stay calm, stock up on water, keep an open mind, and don’t eat Doritos. They’re made with cats.