Reading yesterday’s post from BikeSnobNYC confirmed a suspicion I’ve had about myself for some time now. Unlike NiCole “COLE” Robbins, I actually believe in producing some sort of good or service in order to be paid. And that’s what’s wrong with me.
I believe I’ve fallen out of step with America’s move to a “service economy.” For a while, I understood it. During my early years running my e-commerce business, I answered consumer emails and even picked up some phones at all hours of the day and night. Had I known how much better off my family would be now if instead I’d done crunches all day and focused on being a narcissistic asshole in hopes that MTV would syndicate my “project,” by now I’d have my own line of cologne made specifically for the mentally challenged. Another mistake: my wife and I had a pretty quiet and understated wedding. I realize now that I should have at least called some local news agencies and intimated that the affair involved maintaining the bloodline of Jesus and the real reason Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face. How much do you have to charge per admission to make $18M on a wedding?
To that end, I’m announcing three initiatives today:
First, inspired by NiCole “COLE” Robbins, I launched my own Kickstarter project today. It’s still in the approval stage, but I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be permitted, as it seems to violate far fewer policies than NiCole “COLE” Robbins’ project. There may be some slight waffling on the part of the Kickstarter staff regarding the subtle difference between a mere “wiseass artistic statement” versus the more genuine “opportunistic phony cause” that begat it, but that wouldn’t be very cool of them.
What is your project?
I’m looking to raise $12,000,000 to fund a lavish ceremony to remarry my wife (our first wedding was relatively small, and we’d not thought to monetize it). Market research suggests the return on this investment could be $18,000,000 or more, a 50% return on investment, if my math is correct, realized almost immediately. I understand that merely renewing vows may not be sufficiently dramatic, so I’m willing to divorce and remarry this woman, in order to make this work. In supporting me on this exciting journey, you will also be supporting and promoting Love (both the sentiment and the burgeoning new American industry).
What rewards would you offer?
Provided we hit our target goal, relatively high quality digital photos of the wedding, our outstanding children, and our extremely photogenic dog will be provided to all investors. Those contributing more than $500,000 each will also receive an artisanal cupcake–probably one of the really cool “cupcake-pop” style ones that come on a stick. Those are awesome.
Second, I’ll also be launching a new and different web site to track my progress in this endeavor, among other things. Probably.
Oh, and the third thing: maybe I should start a bike company. I mean, I have a strong patent, I know some stuff about bicycles, and I like acting entrepreneurial at parties. I’ve seen people start bike companies with less. So I’m taking votes. Comment or email me. Maybe I could fund it with Kickstarter, now that I’m soon to be a Kickstarter “power user” and return each investor’s total amount as a discount off a frame. That’s starting to sound a little too “old America,” though, where I actually have to make something.
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