Mystify Wallstreet

For a while there, I was thinking I had to worry about my country’s increasingly rapid descent into a crumbling and corrupt failed state. But now that Kanye West has visited Occupy Wall Street, and his handler, Russell Simmons, has explained that the stone silent Kanye’s support for the great unwashed masses was occurring primarily “spiritually,” I can get back to watching my favorite TV shows.

Just in time, too, because I damn near missed this episode of “My First Place” on HGTV, in which this feckless hapless, young woman is searching for a tolerable first home near Boston.

Julia would love to move out of her parents’ house–not necessarily because she’s pushing 40, but because she has no privacy here and needs to be free to hang out with her friends. As anyone will attest masked ball orgies, ritual murders, and totally pimp meth labs are all nearly impossible to truly enjoy with Dad in the corner, watching his old “Baretta” re-runs. So she needs her own home. Unfortunately, as most of us will agree, every condo under $800k pretty much sucks total ass, and that’s really bumming young Julia out.

It’s also bumming out Julia’s mom.

Who decides to go ahead and give Julia the money to buy a million dollar condo instead. Then everyone is happy.

Especially Julia, who’s overcome that childish awkwardness of accepting tokens of affection from her parents.

But what about that small percentage of us who’ve not yet mastered autotune, or earned the love of Julia’s mom?

We have to resort to thinking or using our hands to make things in order to get houses. And when you need a house bad enough, you create 99.999999999997% fail-proof wireless disc brakes for bicycles.

If relatively few test riders die during the development of this revolutionary new product, the wireless system could be ready for even more serious applications, and this guy will probably make enough money to buy Julia’s mom dinner. It’s a start.