At some point the really nice guy checking me into the hotel did ask how many there were, and if I did something with bicycles for a living.
My Clown Car
Bikes
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Apr 102012
chris@canootervalve.com
On the Road
Bikes
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Apr 092012
Going to miss this little mountain. And not off to a very good start.
That’s the hole a Jones bike leaves when it comes through your side window 30 miles from home on the 2700 mile trip. My once valiant Subaru factory rack is now past tense.
Pin It
Gadgets, Uncategorized
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Apr 062012
I still haven’t decided if posts next week will be brief and inscrutable, or just nonexistent. Either way I’ll be driving across the country, probably recklessly snapping photos of anything even remotely interesting that I pass on the highway. (Actually, I think my mom reads this, so what I’ll actually be doing is signalling, pulling off to the side of the road, making sure my doors are locked, then snapping photos.)
But I’ll probably end up with more photos than text or time in which to wax faux-poetic. Fortunately, my invitation to Pinterest has just been accepted!
I like this new trend of “invite” exclusivity when it comes to new social networks. Google+ and Spotify both worked this well. Sometimes, as in the case with Google+, one finally gains access to the ultra-exclusive party only to find a few guys playing Parcheesi and eating cheese puffs behind all that mysterious inaccessibility. Other times, as is my current situation with Pinterest, one walks into a scene that’s a little scary, and tricky to nail down–like gaining entrance to one of those wealthy-people parties where everyone’s wearing those creepy Venetian beaked bird masks, or visiting Florida.
Today was only my second visit as an actual member, and I’ve begun to actually acclimate and process the experience. As a kind of less-then-helpful guide to those of you still standing outside the club scrunching your cleavage together and throwing come-hithers at the digital bouncer, here’s my unpractical advice for maximizing your first minutes up in the club.
- You’d better like stuff wrapped in bacon. Seriously, even if your initial configuration includes no foodies or food-related stuff, you will see things wrapped in bacon.
- There are a lot of pants. Pinterest is all about fashion, and if you initially went toward more of a “Chuck Norris” and monster truck flavor with your interests, Pinterest will default to showing you a lot of pants.
These pants are apparently nice.
- Only hipster bicycles exist in Pinterest. The bikes you do see are beautiful and artisanal and all, but so far, you don’t see a lot of jack drive DH bikes. Still, it is sort of interesting to see what people who mostly like to look at pants look for in a bicycle.
- Anything you can photograph is art. A friend of mine once took one of those little label maker guns–the kind that spit out the little embossed letters–to completely label the gun itself with various descriptions like “sticky labeler,” and “label-o-matic” and that seemed like maybe the contextual heir-apparent to Warhol’s Pop Art, but these days anything photographed is automatically considered pretty profound. Dress on a scarecrow. Linoleum. Discarded doll at a junk yard. Pinterest is the context you need to make photos of your dog dressed as Darth Vader seem profound.
- Guys are supposed to like cars. Somewhere in the bowels of Pinterest is an algorithm that parses content into “make-up/hair” and “sports cars.” I’m normally a motorhead, but the most commonly displayed vanity shots of cars on Pinterest all seem to be taken by someone who isn’t sure what a car is. I’m sure this will get way better as I add more people I know, and I’m desperately grateful to my friend Michael for peppering the pins I’m seeing so far with some unique vehicles, but I think I’d rather see more make-up and hairstyles than the default stuff floating around Pinterest in the “cars” category.
- Even after dedicating more than half your life to bicycles, searching “bike” on Pinterest will make you wonder if you even like them.
Yes, a personalized concept “Matilda” bike with an “l” seatpost that doesn’t attach to any other part of the frame, but rather floats in photoshopped space is, indeed, an “amazing idea” because, “No one could steal your bike.”
So far, one really positive thing I have found about Pinterest is that it will help you organize the things that matter to you, and, in doing so, teach you a lot about yourself. What I learned about myself so far is that I’m not really that into pictures of things.
Won’t stop me from inflicting as many as possible on you, though. Monday’s first road trip photos should feature photo locales as exotic as Ohio. Time to pack up the car.
Build Your Own Overlord
Gadgets
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Apr 052012
Within three years, any five year-old will be able to design and make a robot like this, designed specifically to rip the heads off Barbie dolls.
I have a confession to make: I am the Google+ user. You knew it had to be somebody, and thought it might even be someone you knew, and turns out, I’m that guy.
In my defense, I don’t use it in anything like a “social” way (that’d be like talking to yourself on the subway). When I see something of interest on the internets, I send it to my own private stream at Google+, like taking a note. It makes me feel hip because I’m using The Cloud.
But it’s mostly just me on there, along with some snake oil salesmen blathering about how to use Google+ for your business, and Google employees like former CEO and current Chief-“Why the Fuck are You Suing/Investigating Us Now, Too?”-Ambassador of Non-evil, Eric Schmidt.
As I do anyone whose posts I can follow, I consider Eric a close personal friend, and today he let me know about something really interesting.
The end of humanity.
More specifically, the really cool capitalistic side of it. Here’s what Eric sent to me:
An amazing project from MIT, Harvard and Penn aims to make print-on-demand robots a reality for the average person by the end of the decade. This is what the future will look like.”
And then this link to MIT’s site. To summarize, MIT is spearheading a project to develop “a desktop technology that would make it possible for the average person to design, customize and print a specialized robot in a matter of hours.” Project leader and principal investigator MIT’s Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (CSAIL), Professor Daniela Rus, is quoted as saying, “We believe that it has the potential to transform manufacturing and to democratize access to robots.” According to the MIT article:
Researchers hope to create a platform that would allow an individual to identify a household problem that needs assistance; then head to a local printing store to select a blueprint, from a library of robotic designs; and then customize an easy-to-use robotic device that could solve the problem. Within 24 hours, the robot would be printed, assembled, fully programmed and ready for action.”
Yes, we’ll be able to “print” our own robots, designed to do what we want them to do.
Of course this means we’re all going to die, but, admit it, this is so much cooler than the Matrix movie bullshit way you thought robots would end up killing us all.
Thomson Titanium Handlebar
In less grim manufacturing news, I hope I get to see more of Thomson’s suddenly expanding line of products. Bikerumor.com mentioned these again today, and what appears to be the reality of some new Thomson components is pretty exciting stuff. Like a lot of people searching for bolt on and forget bike parts, I’ve been a fan of Thomson stuff for a whole bunch of years. It’s sort of wonderful beyond words to see them potentially expanding not only their level of technology (dropper seatposts!), but materials (carbon road bar!). And they’re going to try to keep production in house as completely as possible? This might be the first shots in a revolution of genuine high-quality bike parts that don’t look like they came out of the same factory making Gummi Bears and wall clocks for Wal-Mart.
I just hope the insta-bots let me live long enough to see it.
Junk Police Now Targeting Women
Bikes
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Apr 042012
Normally, I find myself on the side of science when it comes to most debates. I not only believe global warming is real and the result of human activity, for instance, but I even know the names and corporate titles of a few of the humans directly involved. Sure, there are downsides. I always have to take people’s word for it that Jesus is appearing to them on their toast or their dog’s asses, and maybe watching “Finding Bigfoot” would be more fulfilling if I thought it was a show about something other than lonely men spending time between Comic-Cons outdoors.
http://youtu.be/4aHvk00sJ2s
When it comes to the delicate subject of bicycles and genitalia, though, I can’t help but find myself at odds with the pocket protector crowd. First, there was the widespread panic among every supersized, red-blooded American male with an old Huffy hanging unused in his garage that any means of conveyance that didn’t involve fossil fuel was going to render his penis slightly more useless than it was already, and now it’s the ladies’ turn. The New York Times is citing a study of 48 frequent cyclists conducted at Yale in 2006 that found the female cyclists have “less genital sensation” than a control group of female runners.
In the latest study, the Yale researchers tried to determine whether there are specific factors that influence soreness and numbness among female riders. Forty-eight women took part in the study, each a consistent rider who cycled a minimum of 10 miles a week, but typically much more.
The women took their personal bikes and saddles into the lab. The researchers mounted the bikes on a stationary machine, and had the riders position their seats and handlebars according to their preference. As the women pedaled, they reported whether they felt soreness, numbness or tingling as a result of sitting on the bike seat, and a device was used to measure sensation in the pelvic floor.”
I trust scientists and all, but I do think a follow-up study that measures the effect of “a device used to measure sensation in the pelvic floor” on a woman’s overall well-being might be in order.
While I don’t doubt there’s a correlation between sitting on a bike for hours and “environmental changes,” what concerns me is that an uneducated public traditionally uses this as yet another excuse not to ride a bike more often. And that’s infuriating. Of the many things affecting women’s sexual health and overall well-being right now (Rick Santorum, men who watched “Jersey Shore,” etc.), riding a bike can’t even be seriously included in the same list. Seems I’m not alone in questioning the overall usefulness of the article, though at least the world of science has given saddle manufacturers their next marketing campaign.
I’m the textbook definition of “biased” here, but given the overall physical, mental, and emotional health of women who ride bicycles versus women who, say, immediately eat a Big Mac any time the genital-despoiling urge to ride a bike pops into their heads, I’m betting the bicycle riders are healthier and more satisfied overall people.
You know what is dangerous about bicycles, though? Evading the police on them. I have no idea if this is possible or real, but, seriously, is there any way European cyclists don’t embarrass home-grown American attempts at cycling stupidity?
http://youtu.be/ze9IOtK1-RU
Maybe cycling sometimes impedes blood flow to the head.
Apr 032012
Bike shops all around America are sitting on a potentially huge money making opportunity, and it’s something they’re actually paying for right now. Following news that the U.S. government’s GSA agency spent over $820,000 in tax-payer funds on a lavish conference in Las Vegas that included a mind-reader, a clown and a $75,000 team building exercise assembling bicycles, I was left wondering two things.
First, what the hell is the GSA? From what I can gather, the General Services Administration is the division of the U.S. government that helps other agencies make smart purchases–particularly when it comes to things like conferences. Well, that makes sense then. Apparently the GSA clips coupons on office chairs and teaches less frugal agencies money saving tips, like hiring outside contractors to help plan your party in Vegas, even though your agency has people who do that sort of thing for a living. As a quick reminder, this is what it looks like when Ron Paul laughs:
Gruesome. Thanks a lot, GSA.
Second, and more relevant to my point, who sold these tools unassembled bicycles for $75,000? Some further research suggested 24 bicycles were involved (which were later donated to the Boys and Girls Club). My calculator says that’s $3125 per bike for bikes that were apparently suitable to then donate to children. This would either suggest there are kids at one or two Boys and Girls Club locations currently doing some playground derby on a carbon frame with Ultegra components, or that the clowns at the GSA spent over $3k on bikes with a street value of less than $500 (probably less than $300) and they had to do the assembly.
Bike shops of America: why the hell haven’t we thought of this sooner? Instead of paying for bike techs to properly build the bikes you sell to customers, in today’s DIY culture, why not charge ten times more for the customer to have the honor of actually assembling his or her own bike?
Imagine what else we could do with this! The money making opportunities you’d been sitting on all along could make you a fortune–with the right marketing. Some possible window signs.
For only $500–today only–we’ll let you clean our bathroom! (Please don’t touch the magazines. Seriously.)
All this week, buy one bike and we’ll let you pay for a second bike for one of the shop guys!
Get one free baseball bat test shot to the head by each member of our staff with the purchase of any helmet over $80 and $1 off full price on your next helmet!
Free lifetime service of our bikes in our shop by you, with the purchase of any bike valued at over $750, and half off the cost of maintenance supplies you use while building our bikes!
Endless possibilities, really.
Apr 022012
I’m about to put an idea in your head. Seriously. Like all ideas, it’s a little scary, and it does suggest you start paying attention to the world around you and stuff, but it’s not a bad idea. In fact, it’s probably a very good idea. Still, I know ideas really upset some people, so I figured a heads up was in order in case you want to just skip the next few paragraph. OK, here’s the idea:
People have become things. I meant this literally. Pay attention to nearly everything you read, and I promise you’ll notice. The word “who” has been almost entirely replaced by the word “that.”
I don’t know what this means, or who’s to blame–though I suspect it’s a side-effect of reality television and “Me First!” culture on the skids. I don’t think it’s a coincidence, though, that this new grammatical quirk is happening at the same time mixed martial arts is more popular than ever and at least some part of America thinks hospitals should let some people die. Check out the “fuck you” face on Alpha Male Model up top there. He and his swooning girl can be found on the Kohl’s site, where once famous cycling industry maverick Michael Ball’s bankrupt company crash landed. Do you think that man regards you as a person? Be serious. He doesn’t even regard “his girl” as a person, let alone your sorry Levis-wearing ass. While it’s not the model’s fault his photographer kept yelling, “Look like a nasty asshole, yeah! Like a mean thoughtless prick! Nice!” the fact remains that dickishness is in, and it’s hip to regard others with a mix of disgust, contempt, and obliviousness–as “those people that we don’t know.” We’ve stopped seeing people as people, and it’s showing up in our speech and our writing. Grammatically, we’re walking around in a near permanent state of asshattery when it comes to our fellow man.
If you skipped those last few paragraphs, skip this one, too, because I’m not done yet–or read it with no context, which might make it almost fun. Offering examples is ridiculous because they’re everywhere, but I’ve noticed the problem is particularly rampant in business web articles, suggesting that as corporations became people, people became things. Here’s an article, for instance, that offers productivity tips for “People That Hate GTD (Getting Things Done)”. Well sure, you’re thinking, cold hard business tracts about ruthless shit sometimes read even better when humans are debased, but that’s just business. But explain “Those That Believe,” a sweet little web article that argues salvation will be granted to everybody, not just some of us, while grammatically disposing of each and every one of our souls.
Maybe we have the word “whom” to blame, a simple word that’s as mysteriously unknowable as Ahab’s white whale and as terrifyingly unfriendly as Ridley Scott’s aliens, all at once. Did the fear of “who vs. whom” lead us to stop regarding each other as human beings? Who knows?
One thing I know, however, is that the new Santa Cruz Tallboy LTc is one badass looking bicycle.
See, and you didn’t think I was going to mention bicycles at all today.
On the Offensive
Bikes
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Mar 302012
Believe it or not, I’m actually trained in the art of English writing. Like I have a few degrees. I can tell you, for instance, that my previous sentence isn’t really a sentence in the proper, independent clause sense, but rather a “fragment” or dependent clause that can’t stand on its own as a sentence, but has found itself sitting there, pretending to be a sentence, either because its author doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, or for effect (I’m guessing the former).
I mention this because once upon a time I tutored professional college athletes at the University of Pittsburgh, including a few guys who went on to play pro ball. I have no idea what bovine growth hormones they were putting in these guys’ steaks, but if you paid attention, you could literally hear the freshmen linemen getting bigger and bigger each week, based on the sound the elevator made straining to get them to our floor and the reverberations through the building as they came down the hall.
The thing is, every one of these guys tended to be more humble than I’d expected, given that they’d often just been through the courtship of their lifetime and were generally regarded by the entire school as not just students, but financial assets. One likened the experience to being treated like the proverbial “piece of meat,” but told me it only drove him to focus even more on his studies. All things considered, they were remarkably level-headed guys, which is something that came to mind when I found this article about Taylor Lewan, a six-foot-eight, 302-pound offensive tackle at Michigan, who rides a tandem around campus, usually with somebody else.
Lewan was interviewed recently by Michigan’s MGoBlog, and the subject of his bike appeared to be a bit distracting for the individual conducting the interview. Granted, this isn’t the world’s go-to-source for hard-hitting journalism and it’s not like major news sources have run with this as a story or anything, but tandem fascination has clearly gripped the world of college football.
Lewan is a goofball, no doubt, and to act like he’s only riding the bike around to get places would be to ignore his sense of humor, but, all comedic intent aside, he is actually using the tandem to get around campus, and it’s not something he takes out only occasionally for giggles. In fact, given all the comic fascination, his straight and simple responses in this interview seem to suggest he has real talent as a straight man when need be, but also that he simply likes his bike. Riding it isn’t only about joking around, and that’s clearly tough for his interviewer and everyone who’s picked up this story to get their heads around.
Do you ride around Ann Arbor on a tandem bike?
“I do. I ride a twosy bike. That’s not leaving Ann Arbor. I’m keeping that twosy bike.”
Is there ever someone on the back?
“Oh yeah. I give rides. I carpool. I ride with a couple guys. Drew Dileo’s in the back of the thing all the time. You guys know Chris Brown from hockey. He’s on there, too.”
Is the weight distribution an issue?
“No. There’s really no problem with that. Do you have any more football questions at all?”
What has Elliott Mealer done this spring to move into the left guard position?
“Elliott Mealer’s a fifth year senior. He’s been through two coaches. He knows football. He gets it. Coming in, I think he’s doing a phenomenal job. I have 100% confidence in him. If he’s the guy I play next to in the fall, I’ll be excited about it.
“Anything else? You guys just want to talk about the tandem bike. I get it.”
When’d you get it?
“A couple weeks ago.”
Where from?
“There’s a place on North Campus called Midwest Bike & Tandem … I’ve always wanted a tandem bike, a twosy. So I had to get it.
“Do you have any other football questions?”
No.
“You good? Okay you guys have a great day.”
So yeah, I’m sure Lewan and his roster of passengers are plenty aware of the comedic effect of the tandem, but they’re also not riding the thing in parades here. It’s serving a purpose. The weird enthusiasm of the person conducting the interview took me back to my days with the guys at Pitt. Gifted and in demand or not, they tended to need to concentrate twice as hard just to function, given all the bullshit constantly surrounding them, and they had to put up with the more bizarre forms of scrutiny. Sometimes, they even had to be the adults.
So why do college athletes get attention for even the simple stuff? I think it’s intentional, a kind of mind-numbing media hazing designed to prepare them to answer the tough questions later in life with simple “fuck you” answers like, “I’m just taking it one day at a time,” “I can’t say enough good things about this team,” and “Yeah, I ride a bike.”
Funny or not, the Lewan interview reminds us there are still a lot of places in America where you’re expected to explain why you ride a bike, instead of having to explain why you don’t.
Zombie Apocalypse Dating
Swine, Uncategorized
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Mar 292012
Results continue to come in from the questionnaire I posted yesterday, but the general consensus is that I should keep prattling on about random stuff here as long as the writing remains at least slightly entertaining, or at least until everybody switches to my daughter’s daily cartoon site.
As a kind of punishment for all of you then, I found myself once again pondering America’s ever-growing love affair with doomsday. Have previous empires developed a fascination with zombies and the end times a decade or so before getting their asses handed to them by the second and third-place world superpowers and fading into obscurity? I ask, because it seems like a lot of the same red-blooded “love it or leave it” types are the first ones abandoning ship. What the Ted Nugents of the world don’t understand (I mean, in addition to science and books without pictures) is that canning meat and living underground means you’ve abandoned your country.
Oh, that’s right: I keep forgetting that once the zombies attack, you’re going to find that virtuous but inexplicably scantily-clad fellow crusader and get down to repopulating the country with true patriots. Is there a tipping point, you think, where enough disenfranchised people give up on their chances of happiness in the world as we know it, and start cheering on apocalypse? I mean, was there that tipping point? Seems it might’ve already happened.
Gambling on your lot improving once the streets run with blood is nothing new. I grew up Catholic, and “You’ll Be Happy Some Day, While Those Happy Now Won’t Be” has been one of the Church’s greatest hits for a few thousand years running. These days, though, it’s never been easier to root for the undead to rise and tear down this life that just isn’t working for you.
Consider Survivalist Singles, the new dating site for “preppers” I just learned about from, naturally, CNN Money. According to CNN’s article:
Survivalist Singles, which officially launched in 2010, boasts the slogan, ‘Don’t face the future alone.’ Its ranks are growing — quadrupling to about 1,640 members from around 400 at the end of 2010.”
As one might perhaps expect, “For female preppers interested in finding a man, the site is a dating goldmine.” CNN tells us the site was founded by Andrea Burke, “a 45-year-old middle school art teacher from Montana,” which feels instinctively right for this, though it’s a fun exercise to imagine how large it would have to grow before some brilliant and cosmopolitan Silicon Valley tech billionaire/venture capitalist would decide to hold his nose and make an offer. Is it possible to purchase a tech company ironically? I do think a site based on end-times dating in bunkers in Montana would best be operated as a joint venture between Ashton Kutcher, Lady Gaga, Andy Samberg, and MC Hammer.
Lady Gaga stands to make a fortune off a zombie apocalypse.
Still, it’s not all canned meat, chainsaws and repopulatin’. There could be bad things about a zombie apocalypse, too. The expense, for one thing. As CNN Money reports, “Burke is planning to charge a $5 monthly membership fee so she can generate income from her project. She is considering using a slogan like, ‘Find love for less than the price of a box of bullets’ to draw in paying members.” Really? Membership fees are so Y2K apocalypse. Where’s Eric Schmidt as an investor when you need him? Can you imagine the granular specificity ad placement potential for a voluntarily captive audience? Goldmine.
Human interaction, though, will prove to be the biggest hurdle. It would seem preppers, many of whom were late to the whole “Internet” thing, are only now realizing how wonderful on-line anonymity can be, relative to having to actually meet someone in person. Having invested a lot of energy primarily into survivalist skills–developing the highly refined sense of smell necessary to determine when a possibly-bitten Uncle Larry is about to “turn,” for instance, or knowing with mathematical precision exactly when the family dog becomes less of an asset and more of a food source–the one thing many preppers find themselves completely unprepared to face is life with another human being. CNN Money describes the case of one SurvivalistSingles.com user pretty poignantly:
Because he lives in the mountains of Montana, distance has been a problem. He has met only one woman face-to-face out of more than 20 he has corresponded with on the site. After she visited him in Montana, they decided to just remain friends.”
She’ll be back, Mtexplorer2. One day she’ll need you, and she’ll come back running.
Mar 282012
Image courtesy of my daughter, Riley, the most cynical 11-year-old ever. And of course she built her own blog, too.
Contrary to the whole point of many blogs, this one has always tried to be about something. I mean more than what I ate for breakfast or what crap I just bought. Mostly, that’s because I have no life and frequently get all pissed off about various marketing, e-comm and bike industry stuff. Lately, a few of you have noticed I’ve seemed almost prolific, posting a blog a day, five days a week–and yes, that’s what I’ve been doing. Pretty cathartic, this stuff.
Thing is, I find myself about to be working two fairly significant jobs pretty soon, in addition to trying to develop prototypes for my full-suspension design and occasionally sending some of my charming snark Dirt Rag’s way for Manic Mechanic and various other magazine locations they’re hoping to see shed some readership. Obviously, the plate’s kind of full, and here’s this Canootervalve.com thing that doesn’t pay any bills. That’s a tough one.
I’m thinking the most sensible solution is probably to roll this space into one or more of my actual jobs. I’d like it to always be a place for news about Project Danzig, the suspension project, but I’m starting to think it might make sense to roll this whole blog into my new job, a bike+web startup project that should start making some noise around the end of April. I have a lot riding on it, like moving my whole family 3,000 miles in order to make it happen, and I’m thinking I should make any really early announcements about it here.
But what do I know? My life is rarely entertaining to me, let alone any of you, so how about we test this form thing I just added, and you let me know what you think I should do with this blog.