chris@canootervalve.com

The Strava Defense and Some Help for a Friend

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Jun 202012

You know you’re tired when you’ve just moved into a very nice home and this is what’s making you happy:

a carabiner works as a bottle opener
the couch you bought from the previous owners is big enough for you to sleep on

In fact, I’d like to sleep for a few days straight, but the unloading starts bright and early tomorrow. Have to say this place feels like home, though. If there was any doubt I’d picked the perfect place to live, the guy detailing his Saab while dressed like Elvis at the local Safeway here today put it all to rest. In Laughlintown, all the Elvis impersonators drive Fords. This is the Promised Land.

In the meantime, I just received an email from Strava about some updated terms and conditions they have. Whatever could that be all about? As much as I sympathize with the family of the cyclist killed trying to set a new Strava record, blaming Strava for pushing yourself on a bicycle makes about as much sense as suing Lance Armstrong because your heart exploded trying to match his time up Alpe d’Huez. For Armstrong, no doubt, such a lawsuit would be the best legal news he’ll receive this year, but the point is you can’t hold Strava accountable for shit you do on a bicycle.

Here’s an excerpt from the “don’t sue us” wording on their new Terms and Conditions page:

YOU EXPRESSLY AGREE THAT YOUR ATHLETIC ACTIVITIES, WHICH GENERATE THE CONTENT YOU POST OR SEEK TO POST ON THE SITE (INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO CYCLING) CARRY CERTAIN INHERENT AND SIGNIFICANT RISKS OF PROPERTY DAMAGE, BODILY INJURY OR DEATH AND THAT YOU VOLUNTARILY ASSUME ALL KNOWN AND UNKNOWN RISKS ASSOCIATED WITH THESE ACTIVITIES EVEN IF CAUSED IN WHOLE OR PART BY THE ACTION, INACTION OR NEGLIGENCE OF STRAVA OR BY THE ACTION, INACTION OR NEGLIGENCE OF OTHERS. YOU ALSO EXPRESSLY AGREE THAT STRAVA DOES NOT ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE INSPECTION, SUPERVISION, PREPARATION, OR CONDUCT OF ANY RACE, CONTEST, GROUP RIDE OR EVENT THAT UTILIZES STRAVA’S SITE.

YOU EXPRESSLY AGREE TO RELEASE STRAVA, ITS SUBSIDIARIES, AFFILIATES, OFFICERS, AGENTS, REPRESENTATIVES, EMPLOYEES, PARTNERS AND LICENSORS (THE “RELEASED PARTIES”) FROM ANY AND ALL LIABILITY CONNECTED WITH YOUR ATHLETIC ACTIVITIES, AND PROMISE NOT TO SUE THE RELEASED PARTIES FOR ANY CLAIMS, ACTIONS, INJURIES, DAMAGES, OR LOSSES ASSOCIATED WITH YOUR ATHLETIC ACTIVITIES.”

That’s one hell of a “don’t look at us” statement, but it’s pretty clear that every bit of it should’ve been in there from the start (and maybe it was–nobody reads those things until something goes horribly wrong anyway). Are more people out there pushing themselves to set records because of Strava? Absolutely. It’s the social meets competitive element that’s distinguished Strava from the countless other mapping apps out there, but that’s what’s burning them here. We still live in a society saws need stickers to warn you they’re sharp, and the “Strava made me do it” argument may not be brushed off as easily as you’d think.

If things somehow don’t go Strava’s way with this, we can expect all hell to break loose among litigious types who didn’t realize some really dangerous shit they were doing was really dangerous. That includes riding a bicycle. They say you can drown in an inch of water, and sometimes all it takes to shuffle off this mortal coil is three beers and a skateboard, so I’m pulling for Strava here. I’m pretty sure their app drains most of the fun out of riding, but I support their right to let some people live in a perpetual state of one-upmanship if they choose to.

Mat Barton

I rarely have a “more serious note” in these posts, but my friend and co-worker Mat Barton was seriously injured in a short track race on June 11th here in Portland, and the current prognosis is that Mat will be permanently paralyzed from the chest down. If any of you are fortunate enough to have met Mat even briefly, he’s no doubt left an impression for his genuine enthusiasm–he’s a positive guy, and not in that cheesy self-help bullshit positive way common to people who secretly loathe themselves. Mat’s just an extremely nice guy, and he and his wife, Jessica, are hurting right now.

Mat’s a responsible guy and a gifted and successful graphic designer (most of what you’ll see on Cyclocross.com is the direct result of his work), but nothing prepares you for the changes Mat and Jessica are having to face right now. If you can at all spare even a small donation to help a fellow bike rider and his family, friends have created a PayPal donation site for Mat.

Thanks for reading. Time to go search the truck for a few more basic essentials. Plenty more bike news afoot right (including that sausage attack in Massachusetts), but it’ll have to wait until I get this move finished up entirely.

Badlands and Satan-proof Children

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Jun 192012

Having been without TV for the past three months, I’ve been completely out of touch with important world events. Miller Lite has some dumbass new can with a sort of breather hole to “improve pouring,” for instance. Clearly beer can technology has made strides while I was away. Still, why can no piss-beer company realize that what we really want is a can with both a breather hole and coldness indicator? Good to see bullshit marketing is still alive and well, though. I guess can technology makes as much sense as anything, though I still like Coors and Miller should just intentionally make their beer taste worse to go after the “ironic” market Pabst has cornered.

I spent last night in Pendleton, Oregon. After 2500 or so miles (only 250 or so to go). My arrival in Pendleton coincided, as it always seems to, with some sort of “toddler and tiaras” contest, which apparently draws people from across the nation. Also in town is what I believe to be a rodeo for people over the age of 70. At any rate, I was lucky to find a hotel room, even if the geriatric cowboy next door is snoring loud enough to vibrate the entire wall.

It’s a stark contrast to the domestic violence wake-up call I had in Joliet, Illinois. Here a dude negotiates with the police after he and his girlfriend decided to wake up the first floor of a Super 8 (and probably part of the second).

I’ve never understood why slamming a door more than once would ever be required. Either you’re leaving him/her or not. If you forgot your smokes, you can’t go back. It undermines the whole thing. To slam the hotel room door four or five times frankly suggests your heart’s just not in the breakup. Still, I’m far less afraid of this guy than I am a six-year-old wearing eye-shadow and a Snow White outfit.

Nebraska, meanwhile, looks like a painting of itself. It’s perfectly still and so uneventful you begin to wonder what’s wrong.

Periodically, though, Nebraska has its moments.

When the Romneys go MX racing, they always take their cat, Windburn.

Whereas Nebraska always tries to put me to sleep, Wyoming genuinely tried to kill me this time around. I have no idea how truckers survive crossing this state regularly. Since the domestication of the horse, let alone the invention of bicycles and automobiles, I can’t even understand how someone comes to live in southern Wyoming. Constant 50mph winds and a landscape that makes Mars look like a miniature golf course just seems uniquely inhospitable to me, but what do I know. I’ve lived in Pittsburgh, Chicago and even Atlanta. I have no room to talk.

Last night was spent at a Super 8 in Ogden, Utah, where the combination convenience store/inconvenient Denny’s restaurant included this display of books capable of “enriching my life.”

I came pretty close to purchasing, Satan, You Can’t Have My Children, but decided instead to one day publish the collected shit my kids say in a volume entitled Satan, You Can’t Handle My Children. Here’s the first entry. Happened the day before I starting my drive across the country.

Six year-old #1: (Apropos of nothing) Is “Friends” from France?

Six year-old #2: What friends? What do you mean?

Six year-old #1: You know, “Friends.”

Twelve year-old: Like the TV show?

Six year-old #1: (Relaxing in booster seat, eyes closed.) Yeah.

Dad: How do you know about “Friends”?

Six year-old #1: (Eyes still closed.) I watch it sometimes.

Twelve year-old: When have you ever watched “Friends”?

Six year-old: (Eyes still closed, but grinning.) I watch it with my friends.

Whatever’s so wrong with my kids, I have to admit I approve.

Deconstruction

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Jun 182012

Still traveling. I survived half of Nebraska, all of Wyoming and a little Utah yesterday. Waiting for a fully loaded twenty-six foot Penske rental truck to chug slowly one barren Wyoming pass after another offered ample time for reflection. For me, the road has never held that sense of Kerouacian wonder. While I don’t mind traveling, I tend to find a lot less magic out there, and a lot more bullshit.

The problem with driving across the country is that you don’t see the country. What you see is a kind of uninspired, public restroom version of the United States, complete with faded Ted Nugent ads on diesel pumps, endless combinations of rest stop Kentucky Taco Huts, and a general lack of basic human decency.

Few things crush the soul like those torx bolts they use to build toilet stalls in public restrooms, for example–the ones with the extra little metal bit right in the middle.

As commentaries on our society go, this one says, “We tried switching to a more unusual torx bolt, but too many people still dismantled the walls while taking a dump.”

More than anything, what gets me about travel is all the meaningless visual debris you can’t help but soak in on a trip like this. That image at the top of this post, for instance: why are there skiers on the paper towel dispensers on gas pump islands at rest stops in Indiana? If you’re somebody who can’t help but try to find meaning in things, a trip across the country isn’t easy. The sheer volume of words and images completely removed from any meaning or even significance can be pretty overwhelming. After a while, you start to think the same Snapple bottles are following you from one convenience store cooler to the next.

Minus a Brief Airbag Deployment, All Eyes Westward

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Jun 152012

Packed the hell out of the truck. In fact, spent the last 48-hours doing little more than stooping, lifting and carrying.

Well, and there was the head-on collision thing.

Somewhere in the top ten “Worst Phone Calls You Can Get” are these two:

Your parents have been in an accident.
Your child has been in an accident.

Last night, after a long day of packing and preparation for the cross-country relocation, we received a phone call that included both of those. Driving home with the boys after a day helping us pack, my parents were involved in an accident. The phone call came from my aunt. Near midnight, off I went, driving with that certain “no cop would stop me” disposition. Cresting the ridge near where my aunt said the accident had happened, I was hoping I didn’t drive past them, hoping I didn’t miss them.

Turns out it was pretty difficult to miss.

Fortunately, everyone was fine, though a little crop-dusted by air bag smoke. Still made for one hell of a conclusion to a long day.

Tomorrow, we start the drive back across the country.

Best Toilet Paper Dispenser Ever

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Jun 142012

Moved the last of the supplies out of the old Speedgoat building today, including the one-off Park toilet paper dispenser. That’s a one-inch King NoThreadet, red anodized custom crown machined by Paul Price, hand-cut stanchions with wooden inlay by Dan the Mechanic and an original Control Tech 1-inch stem for good measure. Did the ream and face myself on it. Took forever to properly face the pot metal on that thing, but it was done up to King code. Memories.

Where Am I?

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Jun 132012

Even without the “DFW” on the cart, see if you can guess the airport.

Freeform Bonnaroo Exploration

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Jun 122012

So I’m on a plane headed back to Pittsburgh, but I noticed Interbike will move to Mandalay Bay in 2013. There are apparently reasons for this, and I’ll go ahead and take their word for it that it’ll be “more dynamic.” Apparently there’s a whole different Las Vegas two and a half miles up the Strip from the Sands. The advantage here is that we keep the show in Vegas (last time we were there a guy on a bicycle was chased down and driven over by an angry driver) while simultaneously adding a new level of inconvenience and relogisticating. It’s like a win-win situation, or something. Personally, I’m still hoping the move Crossvegas into a casino. Anything that makes that happen gets my vote.

While we’re on the subject of venues, I was relieved to hear Glenn Danzig went after a photographer at Bonnaroo. Looked like a miserable time anyway. Might was well try to punch somebody.

This video leaves us with more questions than it answers, though. Why are the Bonnaroo security guards all wearing florescent t-shirts with bandanas over their mouths? Is there some kind of George Michael/Suicidal Tendencies superband theme this year? Still more importantly, are Panama hats in fashion now?

I like music. I even like all kinds–I had no idea Jack Bruce and Vernon Reid were playing music together these days, and that would be an incredible thing to witness live–but these festival concerts always look like such a miserable time. That’s not entirely true. They look like a great time for people who want to say they were there, but a miserable place to hear a band. My personal belief is that Glenn was just hoping to punch a photographer in the face to improve the overall acoustics of that circus tent.

Seriously? If I told them once, I told them a hundred times, put Danzig Legacy first, then Puppet Show.

Not one person there seemed even dimly aware that he or she was at a Danzig show–almost sort-of a Samhain and Misfits show–so there’s also the possibility Glenn was just bored.

Me, I defend both the right to photograph Glenn Danzig buying kitty litter and the right of Glenn Danzig to punch you in the face, so I guess I’m leaning Libertarian on this one.

The irony of course–and if I were Glenn’s cat, I’d tell him this–is that if you don’t like people taking pictures of you, you probably shouldn’t leave the stage to go after some dumbass, because that’s exactly the kind of thing people like to photograph.

Especially guys in Panama hats, apparently.

Lost Weekends and Guess the Product

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Jun 112012

This is what Syncline trail would’ve looked like on Sunday. I’m pretty sure. Sadly, I spent most of the weekend working on a 2013 product catalog, writing copy for Cyclocross.com, and doing laundry. Had to get a head start on some office work I’ll need to leave hanging while I drive across the country again next week. So this is what Sunday looked like for me:

I’m a rockstar.

Yes, I have two monitors, which is actually pretty modest here. My goal is to eventually have six or seven. I’d like to be the Terry Bozzio of office hardware.

Needs More Cowbell, But Yes, He Plays Them All

On the monitor to my right you can see a little of Cyclocross.com, by the way. Can’t wait for the launch. Still a lot of work to do first, though, and before I can get back to it, there’s that whole driving across the country again thing. I love my country, but I hate driving across it. I always liked taking everyone’s word for it that Nebraska existed.

Starting tomorrow, I expect I’ll be back to posting shorter, “on the road” pieces, if I can post at all. Last time I did my best to lower everyone’s expectations and prepare you for even less meaningful content than usual, then proceeded to immediately punch a hole through the window of my Subaru with a Jones bike. I’ll have all my family’s possessions with me this time around, so imagine the damage I’ll be able to do.

Before I go near radio silence on you, I wanted to offer a report on the voting for best wheel size. “Banana” is definitely taking the win on this one (are you catching that, Google), but otherwise it’s a tight contest between 650b and 29er. I think we had two votes for 26″ wheels. Sadly now, they will be kicked off the island.

I’m also writing a lot of product descriptions for right now. As you might imagine, sometimes the product copy I write tends to be a little different, so I thought I might post some snippets of new content from Cyclocross.com up here, and see if anyone can guess what product–or even kind of product–I’m describing. So while I get ready to head to the airport, I’ll leave you with today’s product. See if you can guess the product I’m describing (or even figure out what the hell I’m talking about).

Cyclocross framesets divide themselves nicely into two categories. First there are the frames that really—truly—are only for cyclocross racing. These have a framebuilder’s name on the downtube, no water bottle bosses, and a fourteen month waiting period. And then there are the ‘cross racing frames one would grab in the event of zombie apocalypse, the kind with all the tire clearance and quality construction of a dedicated racing frameset, but with concessions for things like water bottles and fenders (because you do not want to be riding through zombie apocalypse streets without fenders). ______________ is a zombie apocalypse bike that can also race—and win—’cross races.”

I’m pretty sure both guys who read this blog work at bike companies or distributors anyway, but feel free to post any guesses on the Cyclocross.com Facebook page, and I’ll figure out some sort of grand prize for an eventual winner. Probably won’t be a Cyclocross.com jersey, but something rad.

The jerseys are in the works now, by the way, and are gonna look like something Steve McQueen would’ve worn to a Shia LaBeouf beating.

And why is it so tough to convince any custom jersey manufacturers to create a proper, moisture-wicking luchador mask?

This Post is Not About Bananas

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Jun 082012

So I’m unpacking my car at a hotel tonight and look over and see the hood of the car next to mine is covered in glass. How do I manage always to park next to these people? Oddly, the windshield of the car isn’t broken–perfect condition, as are all its other windows, and the windows of every any other car around it. It’s just that the hood is covered in glass. There are trees immediately in front of the car, with nothing behind them. No glass even on the ground around it. I have no idea how this is possible.

Something strange is going on.

Also, three friends of mine have lost fillings or crowns this week. I blame the moon. I don’t have to understand how the moon works to blame it. It watches me. I watch it back.

If today’s post seems even more deranged than usual, it’s partially because I’m trying to intentionally confuse the ads I’ve added to the site, so I’m working in some extra distinct keywords and phrases, like “moon” and “platypus venom for sale” and “free beer.” At least some ad algorithm somewhere still thinks my demographic wants to purchase various valves, and it keeps trying different types of valves. Do people who read this blog want rodless cylinders, maybe? Or gasket solutions? It doesn’t help that I’ve named my blog after a mythical part. Sort of a feedback loop as ad generation algorithms go, the non-existent product. It’s slowly getting its bearings, though, and figuring our what a canootervalve is. I saw a bike ad tonight, even. It’s sort of creepy to watch it work, actually.

That’s why I’ve started to post images with tags and file names that specify they are not images of bananas. Surely Google won’t crawl through my file names and try to sell us all bananas, but I have to admit I’d jump up and down with excitement if I saw a banana ad over there. Here’s an image that isn’t a banana:

FULL SUSPENSION V 1000 W/ SOME SCRATCHES BUT IN GOOD SHAPE. GREAT BIKE BUT I JUST DONT LIKE FULL SUSPENSION.

And yes, it’s a real ad currently on Portland Cragslist. Honestly, I fail to understand why that guy doesn’t like full-suspension.

At any rate, given yesterday’s exploration of 650b, and the enthusiasm all four readers of this blog seem to have for sharing opinions (seriously, responses are still arriving daily from the 11-speed question), I thought I’d save Google’s “Street View” cars–you know, the ones that take “pictures” (wink, wink) of “streets” (wink, wink) the trouble of ~~scanning your brain waves right through the walls of your home to figure out what products interest you~~ “photographing” each of your “streets,” by just asking you which wheel size you think is best.

Without further ado then, I bring you Friday’s opinion poll: which wheel size is the best. Keep in mind that I’m an incredibly powerful individual within the bike industry, if only because I am currently employed by two-thirds of all companies in the bike industry. Your response could very well change history.

Anatomy of The Next Big Medium-Sized Thing

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Jun 072012

I’m writing this the night before anyone will read it, and I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten some bad tuna. If this ends up being my last post, somebody avenge my death by punching Jarrod from Subway in the throat.

At any rate, I’m even woozier than usual, so tough to say just how Salvador Dali this is going to get. I read with great interest that 650b explosion post on Bikerumor. Actually it was only passing interest, given the wooziness. OK, actually, I didn’t even really read it all that well, but I did look at the pictures.

Alright, I didn’t even really look at every single one of the pictures. I did, however, happen to notice the absence of one Carl Schlemowitz in the discussion.

Carl Schlemowitz, in case you don’t know, is the guy who made me my first 29er and the first framebuilder I’d ever seen to show a genuine 650b mountain bike. Yes, Kirk Pacenti deserves a lot of credit for pushing 650b when no one else was, but really no early 650b bike looked at all like the one-off race bike Nino Schurter’s been using to win races. They were adventure touring bikes, and–other than Carl’s Mambo Sun–650b was basically synonymous with the look epitomized by Rawland bikes. The Vicious Cycles Mambo Sun was the first 650b bike to look anything like the ones making all the noise today.

I don’t mention this to pick any fights or play “I saw it first.” All this shit’s been done many years ago anyway. I mention Carl because if you do look at the arguments in favor of 650b right now, you’ll find a few distinct patterns. I summed them up in a post last February:

There Was Never a Good Reason for 26″ Wheels in the First Place – One of the most important things 29ers did was dispel the myth of the 26″ wheel, which might as well have been chosen arbitrarily. When it comes to the preeminence of 26″ wheels in the world of mountain bikes, once the flood gates of doubt opened up, it became pretty which wheel size couldn’t swim. The 29er could never replace a 26″ wheel, but a 27.5″ wheel just might. And probably should. Get over it Europe. The 26″ wheel is stupid for anyone over five feet tall. That’s 152.4 centimeters.
Nobody Wants to Look Stupid After Missing that 29er Thing – Once we hit that tipping point, adoption is going to happen with the quickness here. Not only did some companies look stupid for panning 29ers up until they finally caved in and released one (which then shot to the top of their sales charts and stayed there), but some companies made much more money by betting on the right horse. Money equals motion. Everybody wants to cover this next move, when it comes.
Forks and Rims Are Already Here – The real teeth-pulling with 29ers happened around the rim, tire and fork manufacturers, but for 650b, that part of the puzzle’s already in place. It’s also a manufacturing reality that you just have to make different sizes now. All this shit is being mass-produced in China anyway, so you really can’t bitch about your overwhelming productions costs to Americans who pay more for a cup of coffee than it costs to have a tire made in China. You’re making two sizes of tires and rims already. Might as well just make another one.
650b Bikes Won’t Suck – By definition, they were designed to be the middle of the road, and, unless you’re a GOP candidate, that’s never a particularly dangerous place to be. Something like a 36″ tire will be pretty unlikely to be adopted by everyone, but a bike that rolls a bit better than a bike with 26″ wheels, but in all other ways feels about the same but has marketing buzz? That’s not a hard bike to sell. A 29er was a big difference, but the only people still riding 26″ wheels wouldn’t even know the difference if you put 27.5″ wheels on their bike.
The Industry Needs This – Not just because new trends have to constantly drive you to want a new bike, but due to some very concrete reasons, there is a very powerful lobby going on for the middle wheel size right now. This is led largely by companies with skin in the five to seven inch travel frame game. You just can’t get enough distance between stuff to have a “longer travel” 29er. Something’s got to give. A system is already in place at most manufacturers to make that something a 650b long-travel suspension frame.

If you read the Bikerumor panel discussion of 650b bikes, this is basically what everyone is confirming, albeit with some extra dancing around and justifications.

But nobody contacted Carl at Vicious to ask his opinions about 650b–or maybe they did and Carl did the whole, “You kids get off my goddamn lawn!” bit. He’d have earned the right, but that’s not really his style. If anyone had asked, I think Carl would have told them he’d built a 27.5″ wheel bike for himself (he loathed the term “650b”) and rode it, and thought it felt pretty good, and that was why he made them. He’d also probably tell them that a small framebuilder has to be on the cutting edge of even the smallest trend, because that’s where any money is for small builders. That’s what I think Carl from Vicious would say, the guy who had a genuine 650b, er, 27.5″ mountain bike at Interbike in 2007.

My point in all this tuna-induced rambling is this: 650b showed up for the same nearly random reasons the arbitrary 26″ wheel showed up. It just sort of worked out that way, and there were enough spare parts around in that size to cobble stuff together. The idea has inertia behind it now, so market forces have locked on and it’s clear we’ll have some form of 650b bike all over the place next year. And why the hell not? They seem perfectly fine.

None of this, however, has anything to do with addressing the shortcomings of 29ers.

Let me explain, and then I’m going to go puke. The common complaint with designing a longer travel frame on a 29er is that the wheels are too large to move through much more than 130mm of travel without hitting into things like the seat tube.

The idea that smaller wheel is the only solution to that is absurd.

Does a 29″ wheel hit into your saddle at 140mm of travel? No? So your ass can stay put. What a 29er wheel hits is the seat tube and seatpost, and the rockers and rear triangle get awfully convoluted snaking around everything to make it all work, too. That’s a bitch. I’ve dealt with the clearance issues, and it really and truly is.

But so what.

Why not design a completely different seat post that’s out of the way. Road frames are doing this already with their “integrated posts” and they hardly even have a reason, so it can be done. Developing a proprietary seatpost is a hell of lot easier than inventing a new wheel size. Doing away with the conventional seat tube and post might seem crazy, but any more crazy than inventing a new wheel size? Besides, Shimano and SRAM have derailleurs that’ll bolt anywhere these days. Where we’re going, we don’t need seat tubes.

And the “wheels are too large in diameter to be strong enough” argument? Right. No one has ever made anything larger than 27.5″ in diameter that was also strong. Do you think materials advancements are making things weaker or stronger these days? I have to call bullshit on the weak wheel argument. Again, I’m fine with saying we want 650b just ’cause we want it, but don’t let’s pretend it’s the only solution.

I like 650b. I really do. I want to design a bitchin’ 650b bike, because I think they make more sense than 26″ wheel bikes. But I do believe sometimes the bike industry follows whoever’s leading, no matter where that person’s going. Why did Carl build a 27.5″ wheel bike? Because he wanted to do something different. That’s all. Why is everyone building one now? I’m not sure anyone really knows.

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