Fresh Pairs

The march of interweb technology definitely seems to be detouring through some dark alleys these days.

Given the twenty or so odd hours I spend immersed in the bike industry, my various browsers roll past an endless string of e-commerce bike sites, which these days means I have something like ten thousand ads for cranksets and carbon 29er frames perpetually following me around. Since the whole Backcountry acquisition, Competitive Cyclist is particularly intense. They have some funky-ass ad functionality that compiles lists of anything you’ve looked at on their sites (applies to all the Backcountry properties) and keeps pushing it in front of you. It makes for a weirdly invasive and pushy vibe compared to the graceful homage to product and “come hither” bit that got them where there are today, and even the image quality on the little ads that follow you around everywhere you go seems out of place and below their standards. But if you need Amazon-like reminders that you looked at shit your life won’t be complete until you purchase, these ads are probably very effective.

Still, they creep me out.

They’re light years better, however, than the mysterious ads that cause you to question your life.

Case in point: why are ads for underwear from a company called “Fresh Pair” now following me everywhere I go? Yes, I’m living in a basement right now, and yes, there’s a bit of an ant problem, but I’m pretty anal retentive (literally) about keeping my clothes clean, thanks. And while I refuse on principle to visit their site, I have the impression that Fresh Pairs is marketed to a group of ultra-achieving males so busy reshaping the corporate world in their chiseled image that they need to schedule replenishment supplies of high-fashion, overpriced underwear.

Anyway, whatever system targeted me as an ideal candidate for underwear replenishment must have been using a complex underwear-condition-sensing algorithm that considers factors like:

• Phone GPS – He’s a long way from home and has been there more than two weeks.
• Purchase history – He seems to have purchased underwear at some point in the past.
• Complex text crawling and processing – He’s living in a basement and rides bikes and stuff.
• Government records – He appears to have at least one and possibly more jobs right now–likely ones that involve interacting with other people.
• Demographic analysis – Based on age and gender, we suspect he is unable to take care of his own basic apparel needs without assistance.

So thanks, Fresh Pair. I appreciate all the attention, really, but the thing is, I would never spend on designer underwear. Nice try and all, but your data set is fatally incomplete. In addition to all those criteria causing your evil perma-cookies to annoy the hell out of me, I am also married, have children, and long ago gave up on impressing anybody–least of all myself. You are stalking the wrong cowboy, guys, and it’s doing neither of us any good.

If a company offering Subaru body shop work where to start stalking me with ads, then we might be getting somewhere.