September 2012 – Page 2

East Coast Telemarketing and West Coast Tribulations

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Sep 132012

Today began with a 4:30am phone call from an East Coast telemarketer, and pretty much followed along in that same general fashion.

Highlights included taking a phone order for Cyclocross.com, despite never having seen the console for that before, let alone having been trained to use it. Luckily, resident programming guru and wind-beneath-our-ecomm-wings, Jay, tends to build some eerily effective user interfaces.

Upsides included selling our first frameset and complete bike today. Downsides included a glitch–entirely my fault, but multi-faceted nevertheless–that caused us to sell something well below cost. Not too much, in the grand scheme of things, though, and quite the teaching moment.

Meanwhile, responses continue to come in for the ‘cross frame design. Some BB30 people out there, but I’m wondering if you’re die-hard BB30 or just haven’t bothered distinguishing between BB30 and PF30. I was learning towards PF30 for a bunch of reasons–not least of which being the ability to drop in an eccentric for single-speed use–but is there some reason to avoid PF30?

One 386EVO bottom-bracket request on a steel frame. Now that’s something you might not even see at the Handbuilt show, right there. Sort of curious what it would look like.

Pretty amped about creating some stuff, though. After four months with like a quarter inch of rainfall here in Portland, a part of me is ready for this dreaded, dark and wet winter, so I can put the mad scientist hat back on and get to work.

Though I guess I’d still be commuting to work in that weather, so nevermind. Carry on, sunshine.

Danzig’s on the mind again tonight. Specifically, thinking about elevated chainstays. Too flexy? Too weird-looking? Too 1987? I’ve always had a thing for the original Santa Cruz Hecklers (later to be known as Superlights) and their elevated stays. Some aspects of Danzig’s design would really lend themselves to an elevated drive-side stay, I think.

But that might just be too bizarre. I might have to draw that up to try to get a visual before heading to Interbike, which is (holy crap) next week.

Split Decisions

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Sep 122012

So what do you think about this Weagle versus Trek lawsuit?

Me? I’ve never been so happy not to have to care. Certainly does seem that one of the parties involved had a nice notebook full of evolutionary design steps and reasons behind his thinking, and the other didn’t quite have that covered to the same degree. I’d really like to read Trek’s patent again (read it a long time ago, and remember thinking it was kind of thin), but there are some serious flaws in the U.S. patent process for bicycles.

What kind of flaws? Originally some provisions of my design weren’t approved because the patent office believed a unified rear triangle design held prior art. The examiner wasn’t able to tell from that design’s patent that the whole drivetrain and rear wheel were directly connected in one design and not in the other.

It’s going to be a long and unpleasant process, this.

Why Trek never came out with a blockbuster suspension design reminiscent of absolutely nothing that had come before it, I”ll never understand. They should have been able to do all kinds of interesting things. Have to respect what the company’s done (and is doing), but there’s the sneaking suspicion that if Gary Fisher hadn’t been around to pass them cocktail napkin doodles every now and again, they’d still be making Y-bikes. And so much worse.

Even ABP was basically a Horst-link workaround. Weagle himself had always considered the concentric rear axle pivot design a kind of cheaper to produce B-side to his no-holds-barred DW-link.

In other words, why is Trek even using this design? Whatever amount of money is about to be paid to lawyers could’ve been used to employ some smart people to build something better than ABP, or Split Pivot, or my own new design. That’s right, dear reader. In the time it’s taken me to type this shit instead of focusing on all I really care about right now (cyclocross!), I’ve developed my own system.

I call it Concentric Aligned Captured Axle (C.A.C.A.). It’s the same thing those guys have done, only with a clevis on the seatstay. Or chainstay. I don’t recall, but I’ll probably be able to patent it both ways anyway because it also has a projected instant center that sits exactly 9.422-feet in front of the bike when in the sag position. Everybody who wants to patent the same thing but with a quarter inch different instant center starting point can get in on it, too. Also, I’ve patented the interaction between a bicycle suspension system and any pneumatic tire with knobbies more than 1mm in height.

Still waiting for my patent on a handlebar/stem combo with little light up “app” shifter buttons and a built-in touch screen to be approved. Or my edible helmet.

Mr. Potato Bike

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Sep 112012

Pop quiz today.

Say you’re building the ultimate cyclocross frameset– not based strictly on classic craftsmanship, I mean. Ultimate as in fast and versatile. We’re talking something more than ten people a year can buy, here.

Think “really light,” plus this:

What’s it look like?

Sand Trap

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Sep 102012

Went out to the GPTB Series #2 yesterday. The Het Meer course is fantastic, with a lot of rolling stuff, roots, wide open sections and the sand.

The sand is somewhat legendary, and with good reason.

Tactics varied for getting through this section clean, but from what I could tell there were three methods, listed here in increasing order of effectiveness:

10. Dismount one turn early, hike
9. Superman into crawl
8. Superman into roll
7. Spiderman Long Jump (like Superman, but with more feet)
6. Basic tuck and roll
5. Modified tuck and roll (yoga influences)
4. Big bunny hop, brace for impact, pedal furiously to bring rear wheel back down
3. Dismount and run
2. Stay loose and float it
1. Be Ryan Trebon

In related news, I’ve started sketching out ideas for the ultimate ‘cross frameset. Why do I do this to myself?

First Loser

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Sep 072012

Found a new hero yet, or don’t much care? Regardless, you have to admit Tyler Hamilton’s recent interviews are shocking. I mean, that hair!

For the most part, I’ve spent the whole sad Armstrong episode standing in the corner just shaking my head. It was on my mind on the ride in to work today, though, and I have what might be a slightly different take on it all.

I don’t think it’s about Lance.

For me it isn’t. For me, it’s about us, fans of pro cycling, being asked to question what we’d all witnessed. If you follow professional cycling, think of a moment that literally got you up out of your chair in the last ten years. That Landis solo breakaway on Stage 17 of the 2006 Tour. Any one of Vino’s mad attacks. Hamilton needing dental work after gritting his teeth so hard racing with a broken collarbone. What Contador has done to the Vuelta that’s going on right now.

Can you trust it? Whatever your personal favorite most amazing day in the history of professional cycling, you’ve now been forced to doubt it. You’d be an idiot not to.

For people who ride bicycles at least enough to suffer, this puts us in an odd place. Those who don’t suffer on a bicycle get to avoid all this. To them, Lance is a figurehead, so they love him. Or he cheated and they hate him. Whatever. But to realize how impossibly difficult it is to ride a bicycle like that–like any of these guys have ridden a bicycle–and be asked to discount that, dismiss it all, causes the brain to do strange things.

Dopers suck. Cheaters suck. But are we supposed to think those rides were easy for these guys?

What sits so wrong with so many of us is that we’re being told those experiences meant nothing–not “less than we thought”: nothing. The reality is that they meant a great deal, corrupted or not. To try to dismiss the entire endeavor might be an honorable approach, but it just doesn’t square with the reality many of us witnessed, wherein one doper among a sea of dopers turned himself inside out to be better than the rest. If the rest of the pack had been clean, I think we’d all feel much better about vilifying the dishonest “winner.” But as it is, we’re being asked to choose alternative winners from a pool of cheaters. Even young children realize that’s stupid.

To be sure, if even half the shady shit that’s being implied about Lance Strongarm’s intimidation tactics and nefarious behavior are true, then the fucker should be in jail, though no one seems willing to pursue that part of it. We’re all supposed to just believe the show’s over after a quiet bowing out by a guy who still gets to keep countless millions upon millions of potentially ill-gotten gain. You can collect all those yellow jerseys if you want, but if he still has the gains, not to mention plenty of fond memories, then what’s been taken from him? Even the sponsors have stuck with him, and why not? The moments were the moments. People apparently pay Kim Kardashian absurd amounts of money just for looking pretty on the outside and being ugly on the inside. That’s a hell of a lot less than Lance has done.

The whole thing is ridiculous.

Fully discrediting someone implies he accomplished nothing, and that’s so patently, obviously wrong that most of us, Lance Armstrong included, just seem to ignore it. Drugged up cheats or not, these riders clearly accomplished something.

You want to really punish Lance? Don’t pretend he never won anything. Give him second place.

The Circle of Life

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Sep 062012

Sorry. Yesterday’s post was quite the mad ramble, but it couldn’t be helped. Back to bikes. Have you seen what Argonaut is doing? True hand-made carbon fiber–as in from sheets–bicycle frames. The kicker? The hands are making them right here in Portland, Oregon. That’s in the United States (despite what some people will tell you).

The only worrying aspect of this story is the new 1-1/8-inch to 1-1/4-inch tapered head tube and Chris King I8 headset that King tells Prolly is Not Probably is “quickly becoming the standard for performance oriented road and cyclocross bikes.”

Now, I love me some Chris King products as much as the next guy, but the last time they starting talking about a new standard, things got a little ugly.

If we’re really dusting off 1-1/4-inch headsets, then I think somebody owes Gary Fisher $50. I also think I still have an original King 1-1/4-inch NoThreadset around somewhere. Good to know the lower cup has a future again. I knew it was only a matter of time.

The future? I mean, when we’re all on the hot new “perfect” 26-inch wheel bikes with new “square taper” bottom bracket technology? That’ll be filled 1-1/4-inch cups top and bottom–at least until we realize those are unnecessarily fat and eventually settle in on 1-inch even.

And do away with threadless in favor of some kind of locking nut built right into the headset.

Hard Software

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Sep 052012

I have software on my mind today, and not just because Cyclocross.com has launched. As in you can probably go there and buy something. You should really go there and buy something.

Fortunately, that project has entirely custom software behind it, but most projects involve working with business management software. I’m doing a bunch of research on two such systems now, and I’ve had a minor revelation.

The main reason why all Financial Analysis, Accounting, ERP and CRM business software sucks ass? Go to their developer resources (usually after going through a bunch of useless bullshit to access them) and type “data export.”

The first ten results are all “data import.” Hey big money software company douchenozzles, if you love something, set it free. Us poor IT bastards are hostage to your wretched shit anyway. It’s not like we can pull all the data and set up with another smarmy ERP solution overnight without our companies still having to pay your ridiculous contract fees for the duration of time. The least you could do is make it less than impossible for us to actually use your heinous shite to power additional company needs (you know, fancy, exotic shit like a web site).

Seriously, searching for “data export” should never, ever, summon up results with only the word “import” in them. Some developer somewhere wrote that search query with management’s gun to his head and then had to get really drunk and probably punch a wall, because people whose brains are trained to think logically tend to have strong, adverse reactions to delivering the complete motherfucking opposite of what a user is clearly asking for.

Disgust with enterprise software is nothing new, and has been written about for years by much smarter and more qualified people than your lowly author, but I’d like to think my example cuts to the heart of why enterprise software sucks so particularly bad: its hamstrung by continually integrated sales of itself into every aspect of its design. Want to create a purchase order? There are tools that explain how easy it is to learn about creating a purchase order using Douchbaggery’s AZ-X-plozion Purchase Order Creation Wizard and examples of how Squirrel Window Cleaning uses that DAZXPOC Wizard to streamline their sourcing of tiny squeegees, but good luck sitting down and just making a PO.

I’ve wrestled with four or five pieces of advanced business management software in my life, and every time I go in I’m always just happy to get back out alive.

Lost in Translation

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Sep 042012

This time every year, while the trade shows are rolling along, I find myself freshly amazed at how little companies seem to know about their product–or at least how little they’re willing to share with the end users.

Take Shimano’s site. The new SLX components are fantastics–a standout group among some excellent groups–but you’d be hard pressed to learn that from the company’s site. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to learn anything.

What’s the bolt-pattern on those chainrings? Blank space. Are those crank arms hollow? Tough to say. Average weight? Another blank space. Here’s the exact features spec from their page:

Model Number FC-M675
Series SLX
Crank Construction Hollowtech II Technology
Cassette Compatibility 10
Chain Compatibility HG-X 10-speed
4-Arm Chainrings Yes
Cahainring Sizes
Bolt Circle Diameter
Crank Arm Length 170,175mm
Crank Arms
Outer Chainring 40T/38T
Middle Chainring
Inner Chainring 28T/26T
Chainring Bolts & Nuts Yes
Chain Guard No
Chaincase Compatible No
Bottom Bracket SM-BB70 SM-BB71-41A
E-type FD Compatible
Chain Line 48.8mm
BB Shell Width –
Average Weight

Seriously guys, if you don’t know any of this data, and you created the damn thing, what’s the consumer supposed to do? You’re Shimano–biggest and most powerful bike component company in the universe–and you’re populating your consumer-facing site content with shit from a half-ass ERP system, typos and all?

Personally, I’m disappointed it’s not “Chaincase Compatible.”

But hey, that’s SLX. Nobody buys that shit aftermarket, right? And the bike companies all choose groups and components based on price. Now, the top-of-the-line: that’s where we get the solid data.

Consider the first sentence of the new 11-speed Dura-Ace cassette description currently on Shimano’s site:

“Rider-tuned means Dura-Ace works the way you want it.”

Read over that sentence again and tell me how Shimano’s site content is any better than Innova’s (my current gold standard):

(Josh at work found that on Friday, and instantly it made everyone who saw it a better person.)

And before SRAM can back out of the room quietly, let’s learn something about their PC 1051 10-speed chain.

“SRAM continues to innovate the chains that continue to win races around the world. The new PC 1051 10 speed PowerChain™ featuring the PowerLock connecting link provides smooth, precise shifting and weight savings.”

To their credit, SRAM at least has some separate specs with information that’s borderline useful, but most descriptions read as bullshitty and useless as the PC 1051–except the ones that say even less, like the 1031 chain:

“Simply stronger. The PC 1031 chain benefits from new design changes for better performance.”

Oh, well OK then.

But the James Joyce Stream-of-unconsciousness Award goes to the Force cranket.

“Competition-focused technology for the serious set, wherelight weight, strength, and durability come together. The SRAM Force crankset is offered in a BB30 option and, just like SRAM RED, the BB30 crankset is 10% stiffer, 20% lighter, and provides 300% more ankle clearance than the GXP version. Thanks to the unidirectional carbon structure, both GXP and BB30 crankset versions deliver a sleeker and race-proven design.”

Um, what’s inside the crank arms? Are they hollow? What’s the bolt pattern? While I don’t doubt the importance of putting ankle clearance into mathematical terms no human could possibly comprehend, I have to wonder if we could possibly find out whether or not this crankset comes with a bottom bracket.

Online or local, there will always be a need for bike shops, the beat reporters for the bike industry, asking the tough questions that have no answers.

Why don’t companies like Shimano and SRAM spend a tiny fraction of their marketing budget on hiring someone capable of writing copy that makes sense? Tough to say. Why does Innova prefer backwards apostrophes?

Why do you ask so many questions? Do yourself.

Cyclocross(.com) Season

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Sep 032012

So it’s on. Cyclocross season is here. For a guy responsible for a new ecomm site with the domain name “Cyclocross.com,” that means life’s about to get a little busy.

But good-busy. My six-year-old cowbell-ringing assistants and I headed out to what’s become the season opener for ‘cross in the Portland area, the Gran Prix Tina Brubaker. Photos were taken. Cowbells were rung. Course markings were repaired.

Baden, no big surprise, really hates broken course tape and overturned cones. I’m pretty sure he would’ve redriven the barrier stakes completely rebuilt the upper barrier section of the course himself if there hadn’t been that whole “race” thing going on right over his head.

Round one at the David Douglas Park in Vancouver, WA one was about ten miles from my house. This is entirely new to me, this “we can actually go there in under a seven hours” thing, and I’m rapidly getting used to it. Next weekend’s race is almost 19 miles away, though, and that feels like an eternity now.

At any rate, my time is all cyclocross, all the time right now, and that has me wondering how I’d build the ultimate ‘cross bike. Clearly, the collective intelligence of those who read Canootervalve is somewhere between IBM’s Big Blue and “all NASA put together,” so I’m throwing it out there:

What features would make for the ultimate ‘cross bike?

Disc only, I’m thinking, at this point; tapered head tube and PressFit 30 bottom bracket with an eccentric option for the single-speed contingent. Stupid big tire clearance, thanks to the discs and 135mm rear spacing. Full cable housing. Maybe build in a mount for a K-Edge Chain Catcher. Other than some key geometry decisions (I’m thinking 69mm BB drop), what am I leaving out?

And what about frame material? The number of aluminum frames out there doing well in ‘cross races tends to still be really high, and steel will probably always be great for ‘cross.

And what would I call the project if I got serious and opened a folder on it?

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