For a while there, I was thinking I had to worry about my country’s increasingly rapid descent into a crumbling and corrupt failed state. But now that Kanye West has visited Occupy Wall Street, and his handler, Russell Simmons, has explained that the stone silent Kanye’s support for the great unwashed masses was occurring primarily “spiritually,” I can get back to watching my favorite TV shows.
Chill, I got this shit. Kanye opted for the more understated gold teeth for the event.
Just in time, too, because I damn near missed this episode of “My First Place” on HGTV, in which this feckless hapless, young woman is searching for a tolerable first home near Boston.
Julia would love to move out of her parents’ house–not necessarily because she’s pushing 40, but because she has no privacy here and needs to be free to hang out with her friends. As anyone will attest masked ball orgies, ritual murders, and totally pimp meth labs are all nearly impossible to truly enjoy with Dad in the corner, watching his old “Baretta” re-runs. So she needs her own home. Unfortunately, as most of us will agree, every condo under $800k pretty much sucks total ass, and that’s really bumming young Julia out.
It’s also bumming out Julia’s mom.
Who decides to go ahead and give Julia the money to buy a million dollar condo instead. Then everyone is happy.
Especially Julia, who’s overcome that childish awkwardness of accepting tokens of affection from her parents.
But what about that small percentage of us who’ve not yet mastered autotune, or earned the love of Julia’s mom?
If relatively few test riders die during the development of this revolutionary new product, the wireless system could be ready for even more serious applications, and this guy will probably make enough money to buy Julia’s mom dinner. It’s a start.
Basically, GM released this shitty ad targeting college students, claiming you’re a loser if you ride a bike.
BikePortland.org had what’s become the definitive reaction, and everyone else has weighed in with an opinion about how completely inexcusable it is, but what I found the strangest about all of this–and the least frequently mentioned–is that the whole concept behind the ad is way beyond just uninspired.
The ad itself is indicative of the kind of snarky, faux-hipster meanness that marks most corporations’ sorry attempts to reach consumers in the age of social media. “Look how edgy we are, kids,” it says. “Who just dropped the word ‘sucks’ in a print ad? We did, ’cause we be keeping in real.”
Yes. Oh look, GM isn’t afraid to make fun of people, even if they clearly suck at it. Aside from the fact that goofing on a guy for riding a bike to class is now akin to making fun of him because he doesn’t smoke, there’s still that cold fact that old corporations make tired jokes. Seriously, on most campuses in the real world circa 2011, the guy on the bike is laughing at the poor bastard trying to find a place to park his pickup truck. What’s next, GM? Maybe you could make fun of those hippies with their bell bottoms.
Thing is, I know we have to legally treat corporations as people now, but that doesn’t mean we have to like those people. And we don’t expect them to be our friends. In fact, we’d usually prefer it if they just stayed corporations. Sometimes, we’d rather just order the chicken for dinner without needing to know its name. Sometimes in the rush to “socialize” with us, big companies like GM seem to forget this.
Listen, GM, we’re not even back to the point were we can trust your cars not to drop an axle leaving the lot, burn a tank of gas a day, and kill us when their steering wheels fall off, so don’t let’s get all fancy trying to be “down” with us. Instead, tell you what: you make the fucking cars, and we’ll socialize and joke with one another. Speaking of which, here’s a good one that’s making the rounds right now: have you seen that dumbass GM ad? Let’s boycott that shit.
I am specially trained to enjoy seeing people on bicycles. It used to be job-related, but now it’s more of a pure heart cockles-warming effect. Also, in my particular part of the world, it usually isn’t overuse that leads to trail closures, but lack of use. So encountering other riders out on the trails around my house is always nice.
Nevertheless, this morning’s ride was a mixed bag. On the plus side, I met two other riders out on the trail.
Under the Leaves, this Trail is Paved with the Skulls of Freds
On the downside, they were ye-hawing their way through the section pictured above loudly, gracelessly, and utterly helmetless. Without trying to sound like their long suffering mothers, I briefly advocated helmet use, then continued my ride, now trying to work out the mental tally of how many helmets I’ve broken on these trails and wondering if the little shits had already gone and gotten their slippery brains all over my perfectly good rocks.
Maybe it’s because I used to ride motorcycles a lot, but I can’t imagine setting out on the trails up here without a helmet. You know how there are those few situations where you’d look cooler with a cigarette and no helmet? They don’t apply here. At all. In fact, quite the contrary. You look like an idiot trying to ride these trails without a helmet.
But there will always be those among us who’d show up at a deep sea dive with only some daisy dukes and a snorkel. I can’t say exactly why, but I think it boils down to an inability to understand their surroundings, a total failure to pick up on contexts.
Which makes a product like this so freakin’ awesome:
Perhaps in Germany, a bike like this would be used sensibly, but, should even one of these Green death machines make its way to America, the streets–and particularly the trails–will run red with blood. Surely by now the world realizes that the first thing we badass Americans do with any new ride-able vehicle is pin it and scream wide open into a crowd of Coors drinkers in tank tops. And now that electric bikes have finally arrived, it only stands to reason that fast ones with shocks and brightly colored decals might not be far behind. It may already be inevitable that, soon, confused, bare-headed dabblers everywhere will finally have a new killing machine capable of rivaling the legendary three-wheeled ATV.
It will be interesting to see how Corratec does with this design, and what happens from here.
Recently, I’ve been trying to figure out the difference between the original Kenny G, and new Ironic Kenny G:
One of these things is not like the other.
But I’ve also been thinking about the effects of riding a bicycle, and I don’t just mean the positive mental and physical benefits and all that. I mean those less frequently documented and just a little bit scary ones. If old school Kenny G equals riding for health and fitness, and the hipster Kenny G equals riding to push your limits and express yourself, then what I’m talking about here is some straight-up, hardcore Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute.
I myself have ridden bicycles in this very location and have also experienced unusual phenomena. I once came around a turn I thought was the crest of a climb, only to find a much steeper, sustained grade. According to the account of an eyewitness riding with me that day, I reportedly began making “sounds like a screaming woman or a baby” and proceeded to rise awkwardly from my saddle and begin pedaling with a full-body action similar to riding an elliptical machine on a trampoline while having a stroke. The event was described by the eyewitness as “truly disturbing.” I believe Science can’t explain what happened to me that day
On another occasion within only a few miles of the first event, I was nearly overcome by a strong and terrible odor, just as I began the steepest section of a climb through a heavily wooded area. This occurred almost exactly as the grade pitched sharply upward, and the smell seemed to increase in intensity, getting stronger and stronger until I had to visually confirm that my legs were still moving and that I appeared to be upright. Eventually, I became unable to reconcile standing to climb a steep grade with attempting not to breath, and I experienced the very distinct sensation of rolling my eyes into my head and observe my own brain, upon which the Virgin Mary was seated, wagging her finger and scolding (in a language unrecognizable to me) a small, gray and white dog wearing a tan fedora and smoking a cigarette. The obvious question here: what the hell was that smell? While reports of mass deer suicide pacts are not unprecedented in this general part of the country, is it possible that what I was smelling that day was something not yet entirely dead? Also, was that Latin? It didn’t sound like Latin.
Cosmologically
We all know that riding a bike makes us happy, but few of us truly appreciate the expansion of consciousness that comes from pedaling a bike.
Clearly, pedaling a bike for an amount of time sufficient for entering transcendental states has huge benefits–most notably, enhanced awareness of self and surroundings, heightened reflexes, and the drastically increased need for self-preservation commonly referred to in pseudo-psychological circles as “constructive psychotic paranoia.” Here, 2011 Tour de France champion Cadel Evans protects himself from a gigantic alien bumble bee cleverly disguised as some douchebag’s microphone.
We may never fully understand all the ways cycling expands our understanding of the natural world and of ourselves. All this enlightenment, of course, builds toward making the journey the destination, and taking the mind on an extended solo bike tour. Though the civilized world continues to deny it, there are documented cases of true cycling gurus–those who began riding and just never stopped.
Given the news tonight of the passing of Steve Jobs, any rant bemoaning the death of innovation in America would seem to be overkill. Though certainly no devotee of the cult of Apple (briefly owned an iPhone before going permanently Android), even I have to admit we’ll likely not see another corporate figure with a personality so uniquely associated with “making stuff” (with the possible exception of this guy).
In the editorial spot normally reserved for my righteous indignation, then, I’d like to offer instead a commercial for beer.
A cycling friend of mine went out there and launched his own brewing company, Helltown Brewing, named after the original nickname for Mount Pleasant, PA, his location (once upon a time, nearly everything around here was shrouded in the Thick Black Fog of Industrial Revolution). Shawn bought multiple bikes from me, and Helltown is a labor of love for a really great group of guys who’ve either worked with me, ridden bikes with me, or worked at riding bikes with me. Here’s an interview he gave about the brewery and how it all began. Great story, great group of guys, and, as it turns out, some amazingly good beer. So far, I’ve only had the Mischievous Brown Ale, but it instantly ranks as one of the absolute best beers I’ve found. I’m drinking a mighty fine Rogue Dead Guy right now, but wishing I had more Helltown. It was very good.
If you’re in the general environs of Pittsburgh and the Eastern regions thereof, you can find an increasingly long list of places with Mischievous on tap on the Helltown news page. Or you can man up (like my wife did) and pick up a growler right from the source. Pretty freakin’ beautiful out here anyway right now, so consider making the trip. Tell Shawn that Chris sent you, and maybe he’ll hook me up with one of those kickass Helltown t-shirts.
It’s true. Thanks to a fledgling little smear campaign rearing its head out there, the unholy act of bicycle commuting is stealing some acid rain laced thunder from “the myth of global warming.” Think bicycle commuting is an unquestionably good thing? You poor bastard. How those godless Dutch and the liberal media have you brainwashed! In reality–or a variation currently being put forth by “certain interested parties”–riding your bicycle to work is roughly akin to burning 55-gallon oil drums in a school filled with puppies.
The Only Thing Worse than Texting While Riding in Chicago: Ordering Take-out While Playing Bike Polo
While the article goes a long way toward refuting the origins of the “studies” and questioning their motivations, I think it says a lot about the state of Things These Days that commuting by bicycle can–in any way–come under attack. One really has to question the motivations of any campaign that sets out in opposition to something as positive as riding a bike. Given what we know about obesity in America alone–never mind the entire energy crisis and snooze alarm we keep hitting on the death knell for the environment–it’s tough to comprehend an opposition to cycling. That such a campaign–regardless of how small–could even exist, is proof these are truly the end times, ladies and gentlemen.
BikesComments Off on Lou Reed Collaboration with Mavic
Oct032011
Earlier today, I read this review of Mavic’s Ksyrium SLR Exalith wheelset, and I think I can sum up the between-the-lines part of the review pretty succinctly: Mavic is bringing back CD hard coating, and it still squeals.
To be fair, they did come up with a new name for it: “Exalith” (pronounced like a small child with a horrible cold trying to say the word “excellent”). So the marketing department did their turn at the front, but at the end of the day, there’s nothing new under the neon yellow sun.
I have no idea how the company’s doing. Industry rags tend to pass on data more than research it, meaning corporate governance in these matters is largely unavailable, and usually a company goes from “reporting record sales” to disappearing in the span of a few months. Everyone except the employees act shocked, and then we all go back to playing Angry Birds and participating in Our Lifestyle. But ever since Mavic as a corporation chose to neither assassinate a guy named Stan Koziatek, nor purchase his outstanding company outright, the wheels have really seemed to come off (pun intended).
The sad thing is that there’s a genuine problem with the braking surfaces on carbon fiber road rims for which we could really use a solution. In a world of competing carbon fiber rims with slippery and sometimes unreliable braking surfaces, there is a genuine need for something innovative.
How obvious is the need? Caley Fretz, the author of the VeloNews review, begins by basically addressing this issue–one that the product being reviewed doesn’t actually address:
Let’s be honest: most of us would love to roll around on carbon hoops every day, if not for the various impracticalities doing so would provoke. They’re light, sprightly, and look damn cool — the latter being more important than we’d care to admit. The problem is that carbon is ridiculously expensive to buy and replace, has a tendency to crack, and doesn’t brake particularly well. Not a solid recipe for an everyday wheelset.
Mavic has an answer for those who have come to terms with their cycling vanity, accepting their lust for things black and carbon-looking as an untenable but utterly unavoidable force of nature. They even add a nice little performance boost to the equation. It’s called Exalith, and it can be found on Mavic’s Ksyrium SLR (tested here), Comete disc, Cosmic Carbone SLR, Cosmic Carbone SLE, and R-Sys SLR.
This reads a hell of a lot like Mavic had invented a brake track coating for carbon rims. In fact, at least one very smart guy I know of read it that way, too, largely because that’s what the words tell you. To “come to terms with your vanity” for carbon fiber “as an untenable but utterly unavoidable force of nature” means to give in to crabon carbon.
It reads that way because writers hoping to write crap people will read tend to automatically veer toward the relevant, and a durable brake track coating for a carbon fiber rim is what people want. What people don’t give as much of a shit about is a coating that makes your aluminum rims last longer, but generates Bieberesque squeals. And costs $1800.
Yes. Ask for a more durable brake track for carbon wheels, and Mavic offers to sell you carbon-colored aluminum rims for only a few hundred dollars more than some genuine carbon wheelsets. Or maybe you’re fine with aluminum rims, except that they only seem to last ten years (or 293 Mavic hubs), and you’re sick of trying to find replacement rims for your decade old wheelset. Seriously, is “Unhappy With Lifespan of Aluminum Rim” still a demographic? For a 700c rim? And, according to the article, Mavic says no cyclocross allowed on these, so that limits things to, what? Those of us in need of a really expensive sub-1500g touring rim with spokes no shop stocks? That squeals every time the brakes are applied?
I still believe Mavic is capable of once again becoming the best wheelset manufacturer in the world, but the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem. That’s always been a tough one for any organization trying to recover lost glory. Mavic plus Exalith is McTallica plus Lou Reed. In the immortal/Facebook-stored/government archived words of Stevil Kinevil, “This is the result of 20 years of not being told you suck.”
BikesComments Off on Prototypes, Leverage Rates, and Bad Weather
Oct012011
Forty-five degrees and a steady rain outside all day mean it’s time for suspension design work. Had to dust off Solidworks and retrain myself on everything. I’m back to working on leverage rates and shock positions. The unique orientation of the pivots on what I’ve been calling the “B-series” design led to a lot of debate about that upper rocker and the final location for the shock.
Now I need to find someone to build a prototype. So tricky to bring an idea into the same world that creates a thing like this, but I think there’s merit to the design, and I really need to be able to test a rolling prototype of this system.
